undated "rants" from webpage
Nov. 1st, 2001 02:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
justbrandieIt's been rough these past few weeks. It seems like ever since my birthday especially I've just been totally in a rut, an unpassionate bored apathetic disgusted hopeless rut. I kept myself down because I saw nothing close enough to reach toward-and I'm too lazy to get up and move and help myself. I think perhaps tonight will be the end of that..................................................................I pretty much just ran out of things to say, so to speak. I know I'm in a bad spot when I can no longer write-and I was totally devoid of anything even remotely paperworthy for so long. I think the reason that I'm sleepless right now is because I was so emotionally excited by the fact that my brain waves were actually quivering to some degree tonight. It has been one of those exhausted too-tired-to-sleep days and yet I seem to work best like this. Maybe less really is more....
The story. When the nervous breakdown happened, I was so eager to keep it under wraps and push it out of the spotlight as soon as possible that I never gave myself any sort of resolution. People ask me about it and I treat it as some 30mph gust that knocked my hat off as opposed to the hurricane that I believe(d?) it to be. I think the incident has been nagging at my conscious ever since. I've not forced myself to dwell on it because I'm still a bit wary of fresh wounds, but I'm slowly working towards a close for the ordeal. Perhaps my recent slump has been the metaphorical post-natal depression. I kept looking back at my summer and saying "Where the fact did that go?" but maybe that's my current problem.
I laugh at those stuck in the past. I laugh at those caught up in an image or situation. Yet, once again, I'm laughing at myself.
I feel ready to tackle a new Ani album.
At least I've moved out of the horrible phase where Papa Roach was speaking to me and am back to blessed Radiohead. I don't think I'm in love with <> anymore. I think I just want to be him instead. So it goes. (Perhaps I should finish that book now.)
I took on too much and it caught up with me. I've had some time to calm down and I think I can handle this now. I'm still not seeing all the beauty, still not teary-eyed much anymore, but I'm trying. I think I'm ready for some new journeys.
---
I'm weary. The summer has been a long, tumultuous journey and I am almost eager for its close. I'm torn because, despite the toll the summer has taken on my life, I know that the school year will bring no relief, only a change of inclination. Although I have spent the past few months sprinting to make the most of limited time, I fully realize that upcoming months will offer little solace from the frantic pace to which I've nearly become accustomed. The milestone of the beginning of school seems only to mark the transformation of the nature of the race; shifting from a frenzied pursuit of elation to a race against the clock of application deadlines. I'm full of dread. Despite my continuous struggle against my body's limitations, this summer has been a perfect utopia for me. It seems as though I truly found god within myself. My powers were unlimited and my influence stretched far beyond any boundaries I could have ever set. Now I know that I'm returning to a world of restrictions, guidelines, forced smiles, schedules, and routine. Although I'm almost willing to embrace the idea of structure in my life again, I know that only a few hours back in the swing of things will remind me of why I yearn for summer vacation in the first place. I know how exhausted I was after just two and a half weeks of performance in England and I can barely fathom how draining this school year will be when I will be fully expected to be "on" the whole time. Yet, I doubt I can cope with a deflated ego for nine months. I'm hoping that I'll be able to gently lower society's expectations of me enough that I won't always be expected to be the grinning jester, yet still retain my intriguing image of the brazen free-spirit. I've finally managed to assume the ideal identity for which I've sought and I fear that the strain of school may crush the delicate ecosystem in which such a personality thrives. I no longer doubt my ability to achieve happiness or to befriend anyone I please. Self-doubt no longer plagues my life. At the same time, I realize that I've also morphed into a much more self-conscious person. Self-conscious is often used with such negative connotations, and perhaps this is with good reason, but in my case, I really don?t see this development as a bad thing. I think my main intimidation factor in the past was the fact that I really didn't care what people thought. Saying whatever is on your mind is perfectly fine, as long as you?re not sacrificing the comfort of others in the process. I've learned this the hard way. Many friends have fallen prey to the treacherous cliffs of my learning process, and as I gaze back at the path I've just traversed, I can only feel a sad sense of responsibility for the casualties left behind me in the path of destruction. I can draw many parallels between my life this summer and Sherman's March to the Sea. Although my campaign was successful in elevating my spirits, I realize that the victory came at a dear price. I'm still deciding if it was all worth it. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", yet one must inspect the damage to their overall health once the proverbial smoke clears. I've grown rapidly, yet I wonder if this is not just excess gain, or perhaps just premature growth if nothing else. I never dreamed that maturity would come at such high stakes, and I wonder if this growth spurt is going to leave stretch marks. Perhaps I entered this bramble assuming I already had all the scars necessary for daily existence. I suppose the review of my activities has caused me to second-guess even my most sure-footed choices now that the waters have calmed. The eerily calm medium of time has provided insight with which I never even expected to deal, much less contend. I don't regret my take-no-prisoners-and-deal-with-the-family-members-later attitude but I've come to realize that angry family members sure as hell can make a lot of noise when enough rally around a singular cause.
I make it sound as though I'm under a barrage of insults and persecution from apparitions from my past. If this is so, it is only self-induced. I often cut my joy short in fear of allowing someone else the opportunity to do so. I suppose my entire power trip has gone to such enormous lengths that I'm starting to play with lives instead of just tangible objects and imaginary cares. I've already begun to treat boys more like pawns in a chess game rather than human beings. It's all a matter of respect and I've learned to hold few things in reverence for the fear of the pain that comes when they fall from the light. This is normally a good thing, but it makes the pain increase tenfold when my few cherished objects do show their tarnish. I expect perfection from everything, realizing the entire time that this is impractical, yet it still pains me when I find the shortcomings whose existence I've tried so hard to deny.
In short, my ever increasing expectations of myself and the world around me are causing disillusionment, but I'm finally starting to learn how to mold both my attitude and the world so that things will work out.
---
Perfectly Numb
Well this isn't so much of a rant as a plea for help. At least that's my intention as of this second. But sometimes intentions and expected reactions and all the rest of that bullshit that we're supposed to think about as we mature seems to be a bit cumbersome. Sometimes pausing to think about every last detail causes us to miss out on something really great. Mom's and Daddy's are usually right about most things but I'm still naive enough to realize that sometimes you just have to take things in context and go from there. A 22 year old Internet guy that I've known for one night is okay to be a little scared about, not because I don't trust him but because I no longer trust myself with those kind of decisions anymore. A 17 year old guy who I met through a friend might be a little bit more likely to be in my league. And so I go for whatever person my gut seems to be inclining toward, making the least amount of commitment possible but still enough that would count as making an effort, and I hope. And I think that's the main difference between the last year me and this year me. This year is the year of hope..of change...of embracing life instead of rejecting it. I'm dazzled at the whirl of colours that's constantly swirling in front of my eyes and it's not a drug induced thing so much as a breath of fresh air from the drudgery of depression and dependence. I no longer have to pass things off with a grain of salt about my OC. I no longer have the self doubt. I no longer have to settle in order to feel safe. I've tested my limits, learned my boundaries, repaired my scraped knees and now I know I'm able to fly. It's amazing how much self-doubt can do-both positive and negative. I think this is what they talk about when they speak of maturity. And I'm tired of hearing the naive lil kid speech. I'm tired of being told how I still have so much growing up to do. I KNOW THAT! I know it, you know it, we all know it, it's just that I've learned to accept just who I am at this particular moment and you're still standing there with your thumb up your ass, twirling away. Back in 8th grade when I used to pass off the negative comments with a "They're jealous of me" retort, I wasn't so convinced. Now it's hard convincing me otherwise. I have everything going for me and the people who have hurt me most are the ones who have had the most opportunity for jealousy. Pregnancies, compulsions, perfectionism, immaturity, hypocrisy, inadequacies; these are all factors in a game that seemingly only I have mastered. I know I still have a long way to go but I think about how far I've come in a relatively short amount of time and it's hard to think anything otherwise. I'm going to make it! I'm going to get out of here! I'm not going to end up at NKU or UK working a fast food job and living in my parents' basement once I graduate. I have fucking potential and the difference between me and them is that I'm going to use it! I'm going to prove them wrong. And this is why I know I still have a bit of maturing to do...I can still make such innocently naive statements and believe them, but that's only because I have no reason to doubt them right now. I CAN do anything I want and, if nothing else, this summer has served to prove that to me. It's helped me understand exactly what's important in life. Maybe religion isn't all it's cracked up to be, but it helps a lot of people. "Believe in something if it stops your suffering," and all of that. I think Angry Anymore could be the soundtrack title for this summer, or at least this writing. It's kind of amazing because this summer almost IS like a movie. I almost wish I could've gotten it on tape because then how cool would it have been to do a documentary with a soundtrack and everything? I could do it too. Even my musical tastes are expanding again and I've totally realized that there's more to life than Ani and NIN, yet I can still listen to SOAD and be totally in awe. I'm totally in love with my life and myself and I'm finally able to say that and not be scared of the consequences. I'm trying to make amends and keep in touch and help out when I can and just use all of my powers to the best of my ability and I think those are the important things in life. Comfortably numb? or just in a total utopia?
---
I think the transformation is complete. My hair was the final piece of my collage that was needed for perfection. It was so amazing to walk through the mall today and have guys totally STARE at me. It's not just an aesthetic thing though. The waitress at Olive Garden not only complimented me but we shared a sort of bond because she was "alternative" too. I'm getting the reactions I've always dreamed of getting. People don't really look down on me, but they definitely look at me. I think my hair is now a perfect representation of my personality. I know that some people are disappointed in me; I know there's still a lot of flack left to receive, but it's all worth it to me. I'm becoming everything I've always dreamed instead of being the dad who stands on the sidelines and lives out his football dreams through his gifted son. I know Dad hates my hair but I think this will help him get used to the person I'm becoming and really have already become in a way. Everything in my life is executed in stages and I think this is no exception. Hell I even did the boyfriend thing in stages. First I had minute crushes then the obsessions then full blown love of someone I couldn't have and finally love of someone I could have. I have to work my way into everything. I can't just jump into a pool regardless of temperature because I know I can't handle the shock. I have to know exactly what to expect when I go into something and then I dive in full force. I think I learned this from my parents. I can never just go and do exactly what I want to do; I have to get them used to an idea and take baby steps until the desired effect is achieved. I did that with my clothes and my room and my friends and my entire life. And it's grand. It helps me because I don't come off looking like a poser and it gets me to set goals and perfect my ideas before I do them. I don't think my parents realize just how much planning goes into my life. But they're smart and I suppose they do. They're so much smarter than I give them credit for. That's how mom knows the things she knows and I guess it's also how she deals with it too. She's a strong woman and I hope one day I can be like her. Except for the kids thing. It's so amazing how much things have changed since I put a near-conscious effort into being an adult. Once I began thinking through things and analyzing situations it seems like my life just became a cake-walk. I think it's because I've gotten so in touch with my inner emotions. I listen to my heart, as corny as it sounds, and the "look out for number one" cliché has worked very well for me. I think the best way to make other people happy is to set an example and be happy yourself, so I just try to shine my brightest and hope my light hits people the right way. Sometimes I question whether I would like me if I met myself 6 months ago or a year ago. Sometimes I don't like the answer. But more and more I'm beginning to find that love of myself when I look in the mirror and I think it works. I guess it helps that I'm introspective enough to recognize my faults and place them under the glaring black light for all to see. If nothing else it helps lessen the blow of hypocrisy. The only slip up in this whole defense of character is the fact that normally when you find a personality flaw you're supposed to take steps to correct it. All I do is flaunt it to let everyone know that yes I know I'm wrong and there's nothing you can do to hurt my feelings about this. I change things when I'm done benefiting from them and sometimes that's far too late. I guess that's why I'm so worried (with good reason) about being conceited and arrogant. I've recognized my goddess status and I'm letting everyone know that I feel that way. It's going to get me some dirty looks but so does everything I do. I guess I just have to decide what's more important?.my happiness or what people think and I know the answer to that without even pondering it so I proceed with what I do. "This is what I've been wanting to say this whole time."~Far
---
This isn't so much of a rant as a diary entry but I figured it was most appropriately placed here....I just got back from my big weekend in Columbus and I'm on such a high right now! (Geez and I haven't even been smokin hahah) This weekend was absolutely perfect, from 2:10pm on Friday when I drove myself home like a big girl until the moment I walked in the door tonight. I was up there to go to the NIN concert, so it's totally expected that I should rant and rave about it, but for once this is a positive one. Friday I went out with Sandy and Becky and we saw High Fidelity. It's a great movie and I could really relate because of the shit that has gone down with Ty lately. Of course I find him in everything I do still, but a movie all about relationships and the "Top 5 Most Painful Breakups" is a dead giveaway. It was OK though because I've become so much more strong recently and I totally dealt with the situation maturely. The only icky part of the night was when I had to change the song "Without A Face" cuz of his jackass screen name. It was even good because I got to see Dustin for a little while that night as well. I'm getting good vibes about "us" again...but who knows where that will lead.
Anyway, the main point of this is to RAVE ABOUT NIN!!!!!!! Holy shit that concert was amazing. I was so glad that it wasn't a let down. Normally when I build things up in my head for a substantial time they are kind of a disappointment to some degree for me. Since I had been really wanting this for about 5 years now, I almost had myself convinced that it would be ok if this wasn't the most orgasmic thing ever. It's a good thing I didn't let myself be ready to be let down though because it was everything I ever dreamed and more. The only lowlights of the night were being dropped on my shoulders while crowd surfing and being smushed up hardcore in the front rows. The highlights were my first time crowd surfing, flirting with MAD HOT BOYZ!, and the entire atmosphere during "Hurt". Oh man you should've seen this. The entire arena was lit up with lighters while Trent was on stage writhing beautifully in the green and blue lights. There was a girl on her boyfriend's shoulders dancing with her arms stretched to the sky while the crowd surfers glided their way toward their idol. Everyone's attention was focused so wholely on Trent and the emotion in the room that it almost seemed unreal. It was sooo fucking cool.
Anyway, I'm doing much better now, mentally speaking, about everything, especially the breakup. I didn't think I'd recover this fast, and although it's been about a month and a half now, I figured it would take far longer than that for this wound to heal. I guess I can have a kind of sick satisfaction in knowing that he didn't cut so deep after all...that I'm more mature than he is....that I can fully flaunt my goddess self while he still mopes in his cloud of confusion and shyness. I'm having the last laugh, you bastard, and I intend on laughing for some time indeed. But as you can see.....I'm not totally over it yet. I figure I'm in my total hate mode right now and that's okay because it makes me look and feel less pathetic and it's helping me use this entire thing to my advantage so much more.
---
Written the night after the breakup
Ty,
If I could see you I would kiss you. Would that be OK? Or would you push me away? I shared my life with you and I'm sorry if I talked too long or came on too strong. I just didn't know how to hold you. I was wrong...I was wrong. I love you and I miss you. That's all I need to say. I just wish I could've told you-heart to heart, face to face. THere's nothing I'd love more than to see you; to touch you one last time. But I know that's the last thing that you want, so I'll just quietly say goodbye.
Please don't get lost. Keep within reach.
Love,
Brandie
---
"am i real and what do i feel? hate is half a heart."~frente
and i'm writing this cuz he did and i want to always keep up. i owe him one already (a lot more than one) but i like to pretend that i can catch up with him at any time. he doesn't know how much of an advantage he has over me. i don't think i'll help him realize just yet. i wonder if he realizes how much i would give up for him if he asked. i wonder if he realizes that he really is everything to me. i feel guilty with him. i don't deserve him. i get the feeling that he would give up anything for me and do anything for me and i know i am so unworthy. i don't deserve him at all. he wrote for me. because i told him to. he doubted his beliefs. because i told him to. he's slowly giving up the small things i secretly complained about because he wants to see my smile. do i read too much into things? or am i realizing what true love really is? there are so many reasons for guilt with him but somehow i've convinced myself that all of it is healthy. except perhaps the guilt from greed. but the guilt because he gives so much and kisses so gently and blushes so sweetly and breathes so hard and gives so freely and hesitates so shyly and feels the same agony that i do when we're apart-i do love him. and i love him because he makes fun of me and i love him because he knows exactly when to NOT make me feel like shit. i love him because he listens and i'd love to hear from him more. i love him because he knows when to let me go and because he's so damn accepting. i never thought i'd find someone who could love me for me. the me that isn't reaching, isn't straining, isn't pretending or even changing. just me natural. he loves me enough to let me go and maybe it's just because that's the only way he knows how to be but that's another reason why i love him. he doesn't know how and he wants to and he's so damn willing to learn that it makes me want to cry. we were basically on the same level when we started-but i feel so dirty-so impure when i'm with him because his emotions are so unhindered-so beautifully freely flowing and pure. perhaps beautifoolish since it's me but i will never complain. i gave up. i trust him. and i know that it will always be worth it. but will i know that tomorrow?
---
Human nature and human instinct are two different things with two different dispositions. I believe that people in general are selfish and generally evil. However, by some fluke, human instinct-gut reactions-are generally externally concerned and good. It seems that everyone knows, whether by mommy or their first grade teacher or Mr. Rogers, that when tragedy strikes, you're supposed to be concerned with how it affected someone else, not how it affects you. Before you check to make sure your balls are still there, you try to look ever everyone else's. However, after the split-second kneejerk reaction, you grab your balls and either smile that they're there or sob at their absence. That seems to be the dominant feeing, yet the feeling we try to hide the most. Those prevalent feelings seem to be the feelings that we mention and smile, like it's more of a joke than what we really feel. The initial reaction is the good human instinct. The lasting feelings are the selfish "evil" ones that are assumed to be human nature because no one cares to change what they think they are hiding.
---
When everything that I want is so bad for me, what do I do? I know that these things are wrong. Can't the heart be controlled? Have I no self-discipline? I'm so confused. Torn between what is right for them, what is right for me, and what I want. I want to be free. I want to live in a world without consequences. But it won't happen. I know what I want. But I know it will only hurt me. I'm afraid to love. I'm afraid to feel. Yet I can't help but continue to do it. I keep setting myself up just to get knocked down. I act like I have everything under control. I act like I know what I want! But I'm even more confused than everyone else because I actually think. What am I doing? What do I want? What is gonna help me? These things fill my head. Who am I really? Am I happy? Am I needed? Such unimportant things to everyone else yet they ring through my head. I say I don't care what people think, but I do. I may not change for what people think, but I do care because I need people. I can do a lot of things but I can't make it alone. I need support. I need someone to either cheer me on or laugh at me or smack me and tell me to shut the hell up. I need something. I can't be lonely. I just can't survive that. I've been relatively alone my entire life and I just can't handle it any more. I need approval from some one. I can't just say "fuck everyone" because I do care, more than I'd like to. But does it matter what I want? Only to me it seems. Everyone is caught up in themselves, including me. This entire world is about ME ME ME! Theres no compassion. No emotion. Just fulfill my needs, my dreams. We can't see anyone but ourself. And it drives me crazy. And whenever we try to reach out, we get pushed away. We get pushed aside because we're looking outside of the safe comfort zone of ME. This every man for himself bullshit is eating away at our insides but it's the only way to stay safe. And safety...it's good. It's home. The only home we have. And we never go out and try anything different because that's unsafe and heaven forbid we take a risk. ugh.
---
And how weird is it that I'm happy? What kind of new feeling is this? Not just contentedness, but really fucking happy. I feel like a dove or something, where i rock back on my heels and stroke my chest and coo. Damn, visions of bambi are flashing through my head. But I can't describe how nice things are right now. I thought this level was off limits. I'm really a rather simple organism. My needs are just slightly different than most in my species. But once I get just the minimal amount of a requirement I'm good to go. If I were a car, it would be like running on fumes. But it doesn't matter cuz i'm speeding down the highway right now, totally oblivious to anything that is behind me. For once I'm refusing to allow any road to affect me other than the tiny piece that i'm occupying right now. And I'm free.
---
Well I'm not in the best of moods today, which is actually against the norm lately. I hadn't been depressed at school before today but I guess the newness has worn off and slowly I'm slipping back into the same rut I dug for myself last year. At least people were surprised to see me grouchy today. A few could hardly believe that I was on the verge of tears for most of last year. I guess that's good because I haven't really been forcing it.
I don't know what's going on with me right now. I'm feeling really hollow. Maybe I'm missing God. A funny but true quote I found online once said "Depression is just anger without enthusiasm." I can't think of anything more true right now. I'm angry, but at nothing. Here comes the sadness without cause again. I'm so pitiful. What a whiny little snot. Oh poor me. I'm all alone. Look at my beautiful house, my Leave It to Beaver family, my perfect health, my perfect little town and perfect little school and Fuck! Why can't I be happy? I'm so ungrateful! Why can't I be happy? Am I really like this? Or have I convinced myself that my life is truly horrible?
---
But seriously...who cares any more? Who cares about anything? How many people are willing to give their life for someone or something? That's caring. That's devoting. People notice things. They take not of them and sometimes even react. But do they care? Would they sacrifice their life or their money or whatever is most important to them just so that others can feel what they feel? Are they willing to give up everything to preserve something? Words such as caring and loving and hating and needing have been diluted and distorted. People think that they mean it when they say "I love you" or "I need this" but they have no idea what that even means any more. Lust, dislike, acknowledge, and wanting-those should be what goes in place of the strong words we use. In such a laid back, indifferent world, how can anyone understand those words? In an inattentive, unpassionate world where cries of any type of emotion are silenced to prevent nonconformity and disruption, how can people claim to feel so strongly? Who cares?
---
He assumes that we've all gazed back and thought about what might have been. He assumes we've made a decision we regret, or at least question. I am the exception. (It seems like I feel that a lot more than I actually am...) I can't recall a single decision I have consciously made that I regret. I've done some ebarrassing things and said things I shouldn't have. But I refuse to even consider that I would take them back. Everything I do is a part of me. I am totally happy with who I am (not always my situation but that's sometimes out of my control) To say that I would change something that I've done in the past is to essentially deny that it was a piece of me at the time. It's saying I want to change who I am. Who I was directly influenced who I am and to change that would mean a totally new result now. Being myself is sometimes a pain in the ass-the unneeded self-induced pain through empathy and want. However I would be totally unhappy if it were any other way. I would be them. Why should I be what I hate?
---
I am sad once again. I am hopeful that this will end soon. I am content with letting other people speak for me as long as I like what they are saying. I am made up of pieces of everyone I come in contact with. I am not remembering things accurately. I am holding on too tightly. I am grasping and groping blindly. I am turning away from those I love because I know that it matters to them. I am chasing my tail. I am dangerously close to the edge. I am not sure how far the drop is. I am breaking the rules. I am sorry. I am getting attention when I don't need it. I am vain. I am stuck up. I am disillusioned. I am amazed by people. I am searching for a way to avoid everything. I am a slave to my emotions. I am pretending that I'm still a child. I am throwing away some of my old masks. I am too proud. I am aiming too high. I am accepting how slowly things move. I am questioning instead of appreciating. I am behind schedule.
---
I am in a constant state of near achievement. I am noticing how tiny and childish my arms looks against this book. I am realizing how tiny and childish I look in this world. I am trying to convince myself that I have something figured out when deep down I know that I am unsure about everything. I am taking pride in the fact that I am open-minded. I am hating my flexibility and ability to be swayed by a decent argument. I am so confused. I am looking for help and finding it and realizing it doesn't make me feel better. I am tired of being cynical. I am tired of searching. I am tired of false hopes. I am tired of let downs. I am tired of talking about the same damn thing OVER AND OVER. I am insecurity. I am laughing at "them" because they laugh for all the wrong reasons. I am lighting a candle because it looks empty without the flame. I am jealous of that candle because it is now fulfilled and I am not. I am jealous of its power. I am pretending to be a lot deeper than I really am. I am tired of me.
---
Seems like I'm crying once per week now. I was set off again and my tiny speck cannot deal with one more molecule of frustration. I exploded onto Mom and she exploded back onto me and I hope he was PRAYING to his god when he heard my sobs. This is the hardest I've cried in a while. My head aches. It makes me sick to look inside me right now, because I know that this hatred is so unbridaled, so pure- absolute loathing that it scares me. This is raw. I'm dangerously close to the edge again. Everything about this situation makes me sick. It makes me sick to think how utterly petty this entire thing is. It really terrifies me to think of what I would do to him given the chance and no consequences. It disgusts me to know that Dave doesn't have a dad and I'm wasthing these precious second feeling these nasty gagging feelings. It just completely boggles my mind that a human being could make someone cry and NOT CARE. When I saw Elicia crying, it tore me up. I didn't do a damn thing, but I wanted to do everyting in my power to make the pain go away. It absolutly pained me to see it and I didn't even cause her tears. I cannot comprehend how someone could consciously provoke those feelings and still live with themselves. All in the name of Christ as well. Our good little COMPASSIONATE Christian. Who do I call out to now? No one. I turn inward and dig deeper for inner strength I'm not sure is to be found. But it keeps me occupied as I run for higher ground.
---
What a Longview day. "When masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking lazy." Well here I sit in the clothes that I slept in last night. No shower today. No teeth brushed. And boring masturbation. I'm feeling so washed out. I feel like I've been drifting listlessly in the Dead Sea for days. Now I'm bloated and salty and burned. My damn obsessions. My damn lack of entertainment. Used to be able to keep myself entertained for hours with little pieces of metal. Now I can barely tolerate the thought of sitting here by myself for one more minute. My room reeks of pussy. That's all I can do to keep my heart beating. Now they know everything. They've pulled off my mask. Oh they know they know they know. What a tremendously relieving shit down my throat. I can't deal with anyone. But I want them to look at me and say "Everyone should be in love with you." Isn't that what everything's about? Having someone to love you? Doesn't everything in the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD revolve around love or lack of it? I can't take this complete lack of emotion. No reaction is the worst kind. Oh so pretty. So precious and fragile and fucked. I can't even sleep because it doesn't make it go away. No where to run. This boredom has superglued itself to my ass. I guess I've been trying to smother it. And I wish I had some great duty to run off to. I wish I had run out of time to procrastinate. Nothing to look forward to. Countdown to shit. Take this idle mind and make it something good. Please oh please. Make it something.
---
I've realized my life is going to shit. I have nothing to hang on to. All around me the walls are slowly caving in and I'm not even looking for an escape. I just sit here in the chaos and say "At least I'm having fun. At least the view is nice. At least I'm not that wall. It's crumbling. It's on the ground." I keep thinking that I have something and yet I know that I'm too scared to open my hand and look because I know I'll see nothing. I used to cling to God in times like this. I used to find comfort in the fact that there was light at the end of this tunnel and that these times were just trials to make me stronger. I don't have that hope anymore. Is it that I know better now? Am I really so faithless that I believe that this is all there will ever be. This can't be it. Yet I live my life like it is. I live my life like there is no tomorrow because I'm not so sure I'm going to like what tomorrow brings. I used to know. But I convinced myself that we are assured nothing. You have to actively seek any good or bad that comes into your life. It makes me want to stay locked up in my room forever. Then no one could touch me, hurt me, help me, lie to me, love me, trust me, scare me, consume me, need me. I do not want this. All I want to do is go to a place where I don't need and I don't want. I've convinced myself that I'm a lot stronger and deeper and safer than I really am. It scares me to think how little I really do have. What can I really depend on that I haven't pushed away? Why do I spend my life longing for something I can never touch? I have these big ideas that certain relationships and certain possessions will bring me happiness. I can't seem to deal with the fact that happiness comes from within. I know why. It's because I'm scared that if I do turn to myself then I will find that nothing is there. Then I'll know and I'll have less than nothing left. Nothing is yourself. If you don't have you-you're fucked. You're less than fucked. I fear that everyone has more happiness than me. What a thing to miss out on. Once again I blame it on relationships. It seems that everyone has found someone but me. Maybe not a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship, but SOMETHING. Some kind of love or acceptance. So I've convinced myself that a relationship is the ticket to happiness and I dream of something I can never have. I always pick the people who are just out of my grasp. Maybe it's because I've always been told that I can have anything I want and do anything I want. Fuck capabilities. I think I need limits. But I am blaming again. It's hard for me to take responsibility for the one thing that I think I have control over-myself. But who gives a fuck right? Tomorrow this will all be forgotten and I'll be back to shallowly happy Brandie. What a great thing to look forward to.
---
I figured out some time ago that being in a relationship won't make me complete and content. However, I still pined for one, just as something. Just as a hold over. I do need affection and attention and I thought that's why I long for a relationship. But I've decided that I was wrong. There is no such thing as a general human nature. It is my own nature to want, to desire, to yearn. The craving isn't a piece of my soul, it is my soul. Without the unobtainables in my life, where would I be? Or most importantly, who would I be? Brandie=want. Very simple equation, one I should have figured out long ago. I was under the impression that Brandie + (guy, money, whatever)=content or perhaps Brandie + love=happy Now I have seen the restrictions on this problem. Brandie < happiness. It is filling to my soul to want someone I can't have. Subconsciously I choose those people who I know I can't have because if I found someone I could get, then the entire desire thing would be messed up. I need to be on a wild goose chase. I need to know that I can use this crutch for however long is needed. To have anything mutual would destroy the whole balance. So by being unhappy due to a longing, I should find a tiny bit of happiness in knowing that I am fulfilling my current destiny. Sad satisfaction. Acceptance.
---
I'm so happy. But there's still a hole. I can't identify the shape or location but I can feel its presence all the same. Or should I say lack of presence? Anyway, I'm pleased to find that I'm still a bit unfulfilled. Had I caught myself saying that a few months ago, I would've laughed and decided I had really lost it. But once again I've come to the realization that everything has a distinct purpose. The hole allows me something to strive for. My life is pointless sans goals. I'm pleased to find that due to the existence of this hole, I am still able to form goals and strive for them. This hole is unlike others because my knowledge of its existence is not causing unhappiness. Only smug satisfaction in knowing I'm still functioning. (I was afraid I'd lost it all.) But it's back to business as usual now. I'm a bit amazed at how pleased I am to be going to work. But when you've been unemployed and hungry, it's a nice change to know you're earning money. And I'm so happy.
The story. When the nervous breakdown happened, I was so eager to keep it under wraps and push it out of the spotlight as soon as possible that I never gave myself any sort of resolution. People ask me about it and I treat it as some 30mph gust that knocked my hat off as opposed to the hurricane that I believe(d?) it to be. I think the incident has been nagging at my conscious ever since. I've not forced myself to dwell on it because I'm still a bit wary of fresh wounds, but I'm slowly working towards a close for the ordeal. Perhaps my recent slump has been the metaphorical post-natal depression. I kept looking back at my summer and saying "Where the fact did that go?" but maybe that's my current problem.
I laugh at those stuck in the past. I laugh at those caught up in an image or situation. Yet, once again, I'm laughing at myself.
I feel ready to tackle a new Ani album.
At least I've moved out of the horrible phase where Papa Roach was speaking to me and am back to blessed Radiohead. I don't think I'm in love with <> anymore. I think I just want to be him instead. So it goes. (Perhaps I should finish that book now.)
I took on too much and it caught up with me. I've had some time to calm down and I think I can handle this now. I'm still not seeing all the beauty, still not teary-eyed much anymore, but I'm trying. I think I'm ready for some new journeys.
---
I'm weary. The summer has been a long, tumultuous journey and I am almost eager for its close. I'm torn because, despite the toll the summer has taken on my life, I know that the school year will bring no relief, only a change of inclination. Although I have spent the past few months sprinting to make the most of limited time, I fully realize that upcoming months will offer little solace from the frantic pace to which I've nearly become accustomed. The milestone of the beginning of school seems only to mark the transformation of the nature of the race; shifting from a frenzied pursuit of elation to a race against the clock of application deadlines. I'm full of dread. Despite my continuous struggle against my body's limitations, this summer has been a perfect utopia for me. It seems as though I truly found god within myself. My powers were unlimited and my influence stretched far beyond any boundaries I could have ever set. Now I know that I'm returning to a world of restrictions, guidelines, forced smiles, schedules, and routine. Although I'm almost willing to embrace the idea of structure in my life again, I know that only a few hours back in the swing of things will remind me of why I yearn for summer vacation in the first place. I know how exhausted I was after just two and a half weeks of performance in England and I can barely fathom how draining this school year will be when I will be fully expected to be "on" the whole time. Yet, I doubt I can cope with a deflated ego for nine months. I'm hoping that I'll be able to gently lower society's expectations of me enough that I won't always be expected to be the grinning jester, yet still retain my intriguing image of the brazen free-spirit. I've finally managed to assume the ideal identity for which I've sought and I fear that the strain of school may crush the delicate ecosystem in which such a personality thrives. I no longer doubt my ability to achieve happiness or to befriend anyone I please. Self-doubt no longer plagues my life. At the same time, I realize that I've also morphed into a much more self-conscious person. Self-conscious is often used with such negative connotations, and perhaps this is with good reason, but in my case, I really don?t see this development as a bad thing. I think my main intimidation factor in the past was the fact that I really didn't care what people thought. Saying whatever is on your mind is perfectly fine, as long as you?re not sacrificing the comfort of others in the process. I've learned this the hard way. Many friends have fallen prey to the treacherous cliffs of my learning process, and as I gaze back at the path I've just traversed, I can only feel a sad sense of responsibility for the casualties left behind me in the path of destruction. I can draw many parallels between my life this summer and Sherman's March to the Sea. Although my campaign was successful in elevating my spirits, I realize that the victory came at a dear price. I'm still deciding if it was all worth it. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", yet one must inspect the damage to their overall health once the proverbial smoke clears. I've grown rapidly, yet I wonder if this is not just excess gain, or perhaps just premature growth if nothing else. I never dreamed that maturity would come at such high stakes, and I wonder if this growth spurt is going to leave stretch marks. Perhaps I entered this bramble assuming I already had all the scars necessary for daily existence. I suppose the review of my activities has caused me to second-guess even my most sure-footed choices now that the waters have calmed. The eerily calm medium of time has provided insight with which I never even expected to deal, much less contend. I don't regret my take-no-prisoners-and-deal-with-the-family-members-later attitude but I've come to realize that angry family members sure as hell can make a lot of noise when enough rally around a singular cause.
I make it sound as though I'm under a barrage of insults and persecution from apparitions from my past. If this is so, it is only self-induced. I often cut my joy short in fear of allowing someone else the opportunity to do so. I suppose my entire power trip has gone to such enormous lengths that I'm starting to play with lives instead of just tangible objects and imaginary cares. I've already begun to treat boys more like pawns in a chess game rather than human beings. It's all a matter of respect and I've learned to hold few things in reverence for the fear of the pain that comes when they fall from the light. This is normally a good thing, but it makes the pain increase tenfold when my few cherished objects do show their tarnish. I expect perfection from everything, realizing the entire time that this is impractical, yet it still pains me when I find the shortcomings whose existence I've tried so hard to deny.
In short, my ever increasing expectations of myself and the world around me are causing disillusionment, but I'm finally starting to learn how to mold both my attitude and the world so that things will work out.
---
Perfectly Numb
Well this isn't so much of a rant as a plea for help. At least that's my intention as of this second. But sometimes intentions and expected reactions and all the rest of that bullshit that we're supposed to think about as we mature seems to be a bit cumbersome. Sometimes pausing to think about every last detail causes us to miss out on something really great. Mom's and Daddy's are usually right about most things but I'm still naive enough to realize that sometimes you just have to take things in context and go from there. A 22 year old Internet guy that I've known for one night is okay to be a little scared about, not because I don't trust him but because I no longer trust myself with those kind of decisions anymore. A 17 year old guy who I met through a friend might be a little bit more likely to be in my league. And so I go for whatever person my gut seems to be inclining toward, making the least amount of commitment possible but still enough that would count as making an effort, and I hope. And I think that's the main difference between the last year me and this year me. This year is the year of hope..of change...of embracing life instead of rejecting it. I'm dazzled at the whirl of colours that's constantly swirling in front of my eyes and it's not a drug induced thing so much as a breath of fresh air from the drudgery of depression and dependence. I no longer have to pass things off with a grain of salt about my OC. I no longer have the self doubt. I no longer have to settle in order to feel safe. I've tested my limits, learned my boundaries, repaired my scraped knees and now I know I'm able to fly. It's amazing how much self-doubt can do-both positive and negative. I think this is what they talk about when they speak of maturity. And I'm tired of hearing the naive lil kid speech. I'm tired of being told how I still have so much growing up to do. I KNOW THAT! I know it, you know it, we all know it, it's just that I've learned to accept just who I am at this particular moment and you're still standing there with your thumb up your ass, twirling away. Back in 8th grade when I used to pass off the negative comments with a "They're jealous of me" retort, I wasn't so convinced. Now it's hard convincing me otherwise. I have everything going for me and the people who have hurt me most are the ones who have had the most opportunity for jealousy. Pregnancies, compulsions, perfectionism, immaturity, hypocrisy, inadequacies; these are all factors in a game that seemingly only I have mastered. I know I still have a long way to go but I think about how far I've come in a relatively short amount of time and it's hard to think anything otherwise. I'm going to make it! I'm going to get out of here! I'm not going to end up at NKU or UK working a fast food job and living in my parents' basement once I graduate. I have fucking potential and the difference between me and them is that I'm going to use it! I'm going to prove them wrong. And this is why I know I still have a bit of maturing to do...I can still make such innocently naive statements and believe them, but that's only because I have no reason to doubt them right now. I CAN do anything I want and, if nothing else, this summer has served to prove that to me. It's helped me understand exactly what's important in life. Maybe religion isn't all it's cracked up to be, but it helps a lot of people. "Believe in something if it stops your suffering," and all of that. I think Angry Anymore could be the soundtrack title for this summer, or at least this writing. It's kind of amazing because this summer almost IS like a movie. I almost wish I could've gotten it on tape because then how cool would it have been to do a documentary with a soundtrack and everything? I could do it too. Even my musical tastes are expanding again and I've totally realized that there's more to life than Ani and NIN, yet I can still listen to SOAD and be totally in awe. I'm totally in love with my life and myself and I'm finally able to say that and not be scared of the consequences. I'm trying to make amends and keep in touch and help out when I can and just use all of my powers to the best of my ability and I think those are the important things in life. Comfortably numb? or just in a total utopia?
---
I think the transformation is complete. My hair was the final piece of my collage that was needed for perfection. It was so amazing to walk through the mall today and have guys totally STARE at me. It's not just an aesthetic thing though. The waitress at Olive Garden not only complimented me but we shared a sort of bond because she was "alternative" too. I'm getting the reactions I've always dreamed of getting. People don't really look down on me, but they definitely look at me. I think my hair is now a perfect representation of my personality. I know that some people are disappointed in me; I know there's still a lot of flack left to receive, but it's all worth it to me. I'm becoming everything I've always dreamed instead of being the dad who stands on the sidelines and lives out his football dreams through his gifted son. I know Dad hates my hair but I think this will help him get used to the person I'm becoming and really have already become in a way. Everything in my life is executed in stages and I think this is no exception. Hell I even did the boyfriend thing in stages. First I had minute crushes then the obsessions then full blown love of someone I couldn't have and finally love of someone I could have. I have to work my way into everything. I can't just jump into a pool regardless of temperature because I know I can't handle the shock. I have to know exactly what to expect when I go into something and then I dive in full force. I think I learned this from my parents. I can never just go and do exactly what I want to do; I have to get them used to an idea and take baby steps until the desired effect is achieved. I did that with my clothes and my room and my friends and my entire life. And it's grand. It helps me because I don't come off looking like a poser and it gets me to set goals and perfect my ideas before I do them. I don't think my parents realize just how much planning goes into my life. But they're smart and I suppose they do. They're so much smarter than I give them credit for. That's how mom knows the things she knows and I guess it's also how she deals with it too. She's a strong woman and I hope one day I can be like her. Except for the kids thing. It's so amazing how much things have changed since I put a near-conscious effort into being an adult. Once I began thinking through things and analyzing situations it seems like my life just became a cake-walk. I think it's because I've gotten so in touch with my inner emotions. I listen to my heart, as corny as it sounds, and the "look out for number one" cliché has worked very well for me. I think the best way to make other people happy is to set an example and be happy yourself, so I just try to shine my brightest and hope my light hits people the right way. Sometimes I question whether I would like me if I met myself 6 months ago or a year ago. Sometimes I don't like the answer. But more and more I'm beginning to find that love of myself when I look in the mirror and I think it works. I guess it helps that I'm introspective enough to recognize my faults and place them under the glaring black light for all to see. If nothing else it helps lessen the blow of hypocrisy. The only slip up in this whole defense of character is the fact that normally when you find a personality flaw you're supposed to take steps to correct it. All I do is flaunt it to let everyone know that yes I know I'm wrong and there's nothing you can do to hurt my feelings about this. I change things when I'm done benefiting from them and sometimes that's far too late. I guess that's why I'm so worried (with good reason) about being conceited and arrogant. I've recognized my goddess status and I'm letting everyone know that I feel that way. It's going to get me some dirty looks but so does everything I do. I guess I just have to decide what's more important?.my happiness or what people think and I know the answer to that without even pondering it so I proceed with what I do. "This is what I've been wanting to say this whole time."~Far
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This isn't so much of a rant as a diary entry but I figured it was most appropriately placed here....I just got back from my big weekend in Columbus and I'm on such a high right now! (Geez and I haven't even been smokin hahah) This weekend was absolutely perfect, from 2:10pm on Friday when I drove myself home like a big girl until the moment I walked in the door tonight. I was up there to go to the NIN concert, so it's totally expected that I should rant and rave about it, but for once this is a positive one. Friday I went out with Sandy and Becky and we saw High Fidelity. It's a great movie and I could really relate because of the shit that has gone down with Ty lately. Of course I find him in everything I do still, but a movie all about relationships and the "Top 5 Most Painful Breakups" is a dead giveaway. It was OK though because I've become so much more strong recently and I totally dealt with the situation maturely. The only icky part of the night was when I had to change the song "Without A Face" cuz of his jackass screen name. It was even good because I got to see Dustin for a little while that night as well. I'm getting good vibes about "us" again...but who knows where that will lead.
Anyway, the main point of this is to RAVE ABOUT NIN!!!!!!! Holy shit that concert was amazing. I was so glad that it wasn't a let down. Normally when I build things up in my head for a substantial time they are kind of a disappointment to some degree for me. Since I had been really wanting this for about 5 years now, I almost had myself convinced that it would be ok if this wasn't the most orgasmic thing ever. It's a good thing I didn't let myself be ready to be let down though because it was everything I ever dreamed and more. The only lowlights of the night were being dropped on my shoulders while crowd surfing and being smushed up hardcore in the front rows. The highlights were my first time crowd surfing, flirting with MAD HOT BOYZ!, and the entire atmosphere during "Hurt". Oh man you should've seen this. The entire arena was lit up with lighters while Trent was on stage writhing beautifully in the green and blue lights. There was a girl on her boyfriend's shoulders dancing with her arms stretched to the sky while the crowd surfers glided their way toward their idol. Everyone's attention was focused so wholely on Trent and the emotion in the room that it almost seemed unreal. It was sooo fucking cool.
Anyway, I'm doing much better now, mentally speaking, about everything, especially the breakup. I didn't think I'd recover this fast, and although it's been about a month and a half now, I figured it would take far longer than that for this wound to heal. I guess I can have a kind of sick satisfaction in knowing that he didn't cut so deep after all...that I'm more mature than he is....that I can fully flaunt my goddess self while he still mopes in his cloud of confusion and shyness. I'm having the last laugh, you bastard, and I intend on laughing for some time indeed. But as you can see.....I'm not totally over it yet. I figure I'm in my total hate mode right now and that's okay because it makes me look and feel less pathetic and it's helping me use this entire thing to my advantage so much more.
---
Written the night after the breakup
Ty,
If I could see you I would kiss you. Would that be OK? Or would you push me away? I shared my life with you and I'm sorry if I talked too long or came on too strong. I just didn't know how to hold you. I was wrong...I was wrong. I love you and I miss you. That's all I need to say. I just wish I could've told you-heart to heart, face to face. THere's nothing I'd love more than to see you; to touch you one last time. But I know that's the last thing that you want, so I'll just quietly say goodbye.
Please don't get lost. Keep within reach.
Love,
Brandie
---
"am i real and what do i feel? hate is half a heart."~frente
and i'm writing this cuz he did and i want to always keep up. i owe him one already (a lot more than one) but i like to pretend that i can catch up with him at any time. he doesn't know how much of an advantage he has over me. i don't think i'll help him realize just yet. i wonder if he realizes how much i would give up for him if he asked. i wonder if he realizes that he really is everything to me. i feel guilty with him. i don't deserve him. i get the feeling that he would give up anything for me and do anything for me and i know i am so unworthy. i don't deserve him at all. he wrote for me. because i told him to. he doubted his beliefs. because i told him to. he's slowly giving up the small things i secretly complained about because he wants to see my smile. do i read too much into things? or am i realizing what true love really is? there are so many reasons for guilt with him but somehow i've convinced myself that all of it is healthy. except perhaps the guilt from greed. but the guilt because he gives so much and kisses so gently and blushes so sweetly and breathes so hard and gives so freely and hesitates so shyly and feels the same agony that i do when we're apart-i do love him. and i love him because he makes fun of me and i love him because he knows exactly when to NOT make me feel like shit. i love him because he listens and i'd love to hear from him more. i love him because he knows when to let me go and because he's so damn accepting. i never thought i'd find someone who could love me for me. the me that isn't reaching, isn't straining, isn't pretending or even changing. just me natural. he loves me enough to let me go and maybe it's just because that's the only way he knows how to be but that's another reason why i love him. he doesn't know how and he wants to and he's so damn willing to learn that it makes me want to cry. we were basically on the same level when we started-but i feel so dirty-so impure when i'm with him because his emotions are so unhindered-so beautifully freely flowing and pure. perhaps beautifoolish since it's me but i will never complain. i gave up. i trust him. and i know that it will always be worth it. but will i know that tomorrow?
---
Human nature and human instinct are two different things with two different dispositions. I believe that people in general are selfish and generally evil. However, by some fluke, human instinct-gut reactions-are generally externally concerned and good. It seems that everyone knows, whether by mommy or their first grade teacher or Mr. Rogers, that when tragedy strikes, you're supposed to be concerned with how it affected someone else, not how it affects you. Before you check to make sure your balls are still there, you try to look ever everyone else's. However, after the split-second kneejerk reaction, you grab your balls and either smile that they're there or sob at their absence. That seems to be the dominant feeing, yet the feeling we try to hide the most. Those prevalent feelings seem to be the feelings that we mention and smile, like it's more of a joke than what we really feel. The initial reaction is the good human instinct. The lasting feelings are the selfish "evil" ones that are assumed to be human nature because no one cares to change what they think they are hiding.
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When everything that I want is so bad for me, what do I do? I know that these things are wrong. Can't the heart be controlled? Have I no self-discipline? I'm so confused. Torn between what is right for them, what is right for me, and what I want. I want to be free. I want to live in a world without consequences. But it won't happen. I know what I want. But I know it will only hurt me. I'm afraid to love. I'm afraid to feel. Yet I can't help but continue to do it. I keep setting myself up just to get knocked down. I act like I have everything under control. I act like I know what I want! But I'm even more confused than everyone else because I actually think. What am I doing? What do I want? What is gonna help me? These things fill my head. Who am I really? Am I happy? Am I needed? Such unimportant things to everyone else yet they ring through my head. I say I don't care what people think, but I do. I may not change for what people think, but I do care because I need people. I can do a lot of things but I can't make it alone. I need support. I need someone to either cheer me on or laugh at me or smack me and tell me to shut the hell up. I need something. I can't be lonely. I just can't survive that. I've been relatively alone my entire life and I just can't handle it any more. I need approval from some one. I can't just say "fuck everyone" because I do care, more than I'd like to. But does it matter what I want? Only to me it seems. Everyone is caught up in themselves, including me. This entire world is about ME ME ME! Theres no compassion. No emotion. Just fulfill my needs, my dreams. We can't see anyone but ourself. And it drives me crazy. And whenever we try to reach out, we get pushed away. We get pushed aside because we're looking outside of the safe comfort zone of ME. This every man for himself bullshit is eating away at our insides but it's the only way to stay safe. And safety...it's good. It's home. The only home we have. And we never go out and try anything different because that's unsafe and heaven forbid we take a risk. ugh.
---
And how weird is it that I'm happy? What kind of new feeling is this? Not just contentedness, but really fucking happy. I feel like a dove or something, where i rock back on my heels and stroke my chest and coo. Damn, visions of bambi are flashing through my head. But I can't describe how nice things are right now. I thought this level was off limits. I'm really a rather simple organism. My needs are just slightly different than most in my species. But once I get just the minimal amount of a requirement I'm good to go. If I were a car, it would be like running on fumes. But it doesn't matter cuz i'm speeding down the highway right now, totally oblivious to anything that is behind me. For once I'm refusing to allow any road to affect me other than the tiny piece that i'm occupying right now. And I'm free.
---
Well I'm not in the best of moods today, which is actually against the norm lately. I hadn't been depressed at school before today but I guess the newness has worn off and slowly I'm slipping back into the same rut I dug for myself last year. At least people were surprised to see me grouchy today. A few could hardly believe that I was on the verge of tears for most of last year. I guess that's good because I haven't really been forcing it.
I don't know what's going on with me right now. I'm feeling really hollow. Maybe I'm missing God. A funny but true quote I found online once said "Depression is just anger without enthusiasm." I can't think of anything more true right now. I'm angry, but at nothing. Here comes the sadness without cause again. I'm so pitiful. What a whiny little snot. Oh poor me. I'm all alone. Look at my beautiful house, my Leave It to Beaver family, my perfect health, my perfect little town and perfect little school and Fuck! Why can't I be happy? I'm so ungrateful! Why can't I be happy? Am I really like this? Or have I convinced myself that my life is truly horrible?
---
But seriously...who cares any more? Who cares about anything? How many people are willing to give their life for someone or something? That's caring. That's devoting. People notice things. They take not of them and sometimes even react. But do they care? Would they sacrifice their life or their money or whatever is most important to them just so that others can feel what they feel? Are they willing to give up everything to preserve something? Words such as caring and loving and hating and needing have been diluted and distorted. People think that they mean it when they say "I love you" or "I need this" but they have no idea what that even means any more. Lust, dislike, acknowledge, and wanting-those should be what goes in place of the strong words we use. In such a laid back, indifferent world, how can anyone understand those words? In an inattentive, unpassionate world where cries of any type of emotion are silenced to prevent nonconformity and disruption, how can people claim to feel so strongly? Who cares?
---
He assumes that we've all gazed back and thought about what might have been. He assumes we've made a decision we regret, or at least question. I am the exception. (It seems like I feel that a lot more than I actually am...) I can't recall a single decision I have consciously made that I regret. I've done some ebarrassing things and said things I shouldn't have. But I refuse to even consider that I would take them back. Everything I do is a part of me. I am totally happy with who I am (not always my situation but that's sometimes out of my control) To say that I would change something that I've done in the past is to essentially deny that it was a piece of me at the time. It's saying I want to change who I am. Who I was directly influenced who I am and to change that would mean a totally new result now. Being myself is sometimes a pain in the ass-the unneeded self-induced pain through empathy and want. However I would be totally unhappy if it were any other way. I would be them. Why should I be what I hate?
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I am sad once again. I am hopeful that this will end soon. I am content with letting other people speak for me as long as I like what they are saying. I am made up of pieces of everyone I come in contact with. I am not remembering things accurately. I am holding on too tightly. I am grasping and groping blindly. I am turning away from those I love because I know that it matters to them. I am chasing my tail. I am dangerously close to the edge. I am not sure how far the drop is. I am breaking the rules. I am sorry. I am getting attention when I don't need it. I am vain. I am stuck up. I am disillusioned. I am amazed by people. I am searching for a way to avoid everything. I am a slave to my emotions. I am pretending that I'm still a child. I am throwing away some of my old masks. I am too proud. I am aiming too high. I am accepting how slowly things move. I am questioning instead of appreciating. I am behind schedule.
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I am in a constant state of near achievement. I am noticing how tiny and childish my arms looks against this book. I am realizing how tiny and childish I look in this world. I am trying to convince myself that I have something figured out when deep down I know that I am unsure about everything. I am taking pride in the fact that I am open-minded. I am hating my flexibility and ability to be swayed by a decent argument. I am so confused. I am looking for help and finding it and realizing it doesn't make me feel better. I am tired of being cynical. I am tired of searching. I am tired of false hopes. I am tired of let downs. I am tired of talking about the same damn thing OVER AND OVER. I am insecurity. I am laughing at "them" because they laugh for all the wrong reasons. I am lighting a candle because it looks empty without the flame. I am jealous of that candle because it is now fulfilled and I am not. I am jealous of its power. I am pretending to be a lot deeper than I really am. I am tired of me.
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Seems like I'm crying once per week now. I was set off again and my tiny speck cannot deal with one more molecule of frustration. I exploded onto Mom and she exploded back onto me and I hope he was PRAYING to his god when he heard my sobs. This is the hardest I've cried in a while. My head aches. It makes me sick to look inside me right now, because I know that this hatred is so unbridaled, so pure- absolute loathing that it scares me. This is raw. I'm dangerously close to the edge again. Everything about this situation makes me sick. It makes me sick to think how utterly petty this entire thing is. It really terrifies me to think of what I would do to him given the chance and no consequences. It disgusts me to know that Dave doesn't have a dad and I'm wasthing these precious second feeling these nasty gagging feelings. It just completely boggles my mind that a human being could make someone cry and NOT CARE. When I saw Elicia crying, it tore me up. I didn't do a damn thing, but I wanted to do everyting in my power to make the pain go away. It absolutly pained me to see it and I didn't even cause her tears. I cannot comprehend how someone could consciously provoke those feelings and still live with themselves. All in the name of Christ as well. Our good little COMPASSIONATE Christian. Who do I call out to now? No one. I turn inward and dig deeper for inner strength I'm not sure is to be found. But it keeps me occupied as I run for higher ground.
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What a Longview day. "When masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking lazy." Well here I sit in the clothes that I slept in last night. No shower today. No teeth brushed. And boring masturbation. I'm feeling so washed out. I feel like I've been drifting listlessly in the Dead Sea for days. Now I'm bloated and salty and burned. My damn obsessions. My damn lack of entertainment. Used to be able to keep myself entertained for hours with little pieces of metal. Now I can barely tolerate the thought of sitting here by myself for one more minute. My room reeks of pussy. That's all I can do to keep my heart beating. Now they know everything. They've pulled off my mask. Oh they know they know they know. What a tremendously relieving shit down my throat. I can't deal with anyone. But I want them to look at me and say "Everyone should be in love with you." Isn't that what everything's about? Having someone to love you? Doesn't everything in the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD revolve around love or lack of it? I can't take this complete lack of emotion. No reaction is the worst kind. Oh so pretty. So precious and fragile and fucked. I can't even sleep because it doesn't make it go away. No where to run. This boredom has superglued itself to my ass. I guess I've been trying to smother it. And I wish I had some great duty to run off to. I wish I had run out of time to procrastinate. Nothing to look forward to. Countdown to shit. Take this idle mind and make it something good. Please oh please. Make it something.
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I've realized my life is going to shit. I have nothing to hang on to. All around me the walls are slowly caving in and I'm not even looking for an escape. I just sit here in the chaos and say "At least I'm having fun. At least the view is nice. At least I'm not that wall. It's crumbling. It's on the ground." I keep thinking that I have something and yet I know that I'm too scared to open my hand and look because I know I'll see nothing. I used to cling to God in times like this. I used to find comfort in the fact that there was light at the end of this tunnel and that these times were just trials to make me stronger. I don't have that hope anymore. Is it that I know better now? Am I really so faithless that I believe that this is all there will ever be. This can't be it. Yet I live my life like it is. I live my life like there is no tomorrow because I'm not so sure I'm going to like what tomorrow brings. I used to know. But I convinced myself that we are assured nothing. You have to actively seek any good or bad that comes into your life. It makes me want to stay locked up in my room forever. Then no one could touch me, hurt me, help me, lie to me, love me, trust me, scare me, consume me, need me. I do not want this. All I want to do is go to a place where I don't need and I don't want. I've convinced myself that I'm a lot stronger and deeper and safer than I really am. It scares me to think how little I really do have. What can I really depend on that I haven't pushed away? Why do I spend my life longing for something I can never touch? I have these big ideas that certain relationships and certain possessions will bring me happiness. I can't seem to deal with the fact that happiness comes from within. I know why. It's because I'm scared that if I do turn to myself then I will find that nothing is there. Then I'll know and I'll have less than nothing left. Nothing is yourself. If you don't have you-you're fucked. You're less than fucked. I fear that everyone has more happiness than me. What a thing to miss out on. Once again I blame it on relationships. It seems that everyone has found someone but me. Maybe not a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship, but SOMETHING. Some kind of love or acceptance. So I've convinced myself that a relationship is the ticket to happiness and I dream of something I can never have. I always pick the people who are just out of my grasp. Maybe it's because I've always been told that I can have anything I want and do anything I want. Fuck capabilities. I think I need limits. But I am blaming again. It's hard for me to take responsibility for the one thing that I think I have control over-myself. But who gives a fuck right? Tomorrow this will all be forgotten and I'll be back to shallowly happy Brandie. What a great thing to look forward to.
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I figured out some time ago that being in a relationship won't make me complete and content. However, I still pined for one, just as something. Just as a hold over. I do need affection and attention and I thought that's why I long for a relationship. But I've decided that I was wrong. There is no such thing as a general human nature. It is my own nature to want, to desire, to yearn. The craving isn't a piece of my soul, it is my soul. Without the unobtainables in my life, where would I be? Or most importantly, who would I be? Brandie=want. Very simple equation, one I should have figured out long ago. I was under the impression that Brandie + (guy, money, whatever)=content or perhaps Brandie + love=happy Now I have seen the restrictions on this problem. Brandie < happiness. It is filling to my soul to want someone I can't have. Subconsciously I choose those people who I know I can't have because if I found someone I could get, then the entire desire thing would be messed up. I need to be on a wild goose chase. I need to know that I can use this crutch for however long is needed. To have anything mutual would destroy the whole balance. So by being unhappy due to a longing, I should find a tiny bit of happiness in knowing that I am fulfilling my current destiny. Sad satisfaction. Acceptance.
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I'm so happy. But there's still a hole. I can't identify the shape or location but I can feel its presence all the same. Or should I say lack of presence? Anyway, I'm pleased to find that I'm still a bit unfulfilled. Had I caught myself saying that a few months ago, I would've laughed and decided I had really lost it. But once again I've come to the realization that everything has a distinct purpose. The hole allows me something to strive for. My life is pointless sans goals. I'm pleased to find that due to the existence of this hole, I am still able to form goals and strive for them. This hole is unlike others because my knowledge of its existence is not causing unhappiness. Only smug satisfaction in knowing I'm still functioning. (I was afraid I'd lost it all.) But it's back to business as usual now. I'm a bit amazed at how pleased I am to be going to work. But when you've been unemployed and hungry, it's a nice change to know you're earning money. And I'm so happy.