undated poetry from my website
Jul. 31st, 2001 02:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
justbrandieAngst section
i'm a few hundred feet above the street
wondering how the hell anyone could ever
have the balls to jump
yet be too gutless to face life.
and i'm watching the taxis and minivans
and wondering who they are,
those hurried people.
why does my life seem so huge?
things seem so complicated
till you step up a few hundred feet
and see thousands of photocopies of you
from above
those people all have families,
all smothered by their lives and responsibilities
we live in a world of tangled webs
yet somehow manage to slip through
with minimal damage
and i'm struggling over the strand of
self-importance
trying to find a way to leave my mark
pissing on trees like every other dog
has lost its glamour.
all i can do now is take comfort in
seeing them
knowing they are striving for the same thing
not every person can be a winner
but people keep pushing for the prize
don't lose hope
we're getting closer
not much longer now
almost home
---
Obsession section
"You love him don't you?"
My heart hit the floor
A moment ago I had been a sad little girl
And it made me smile with pain
Now another piece of my life has been dragged out onto the stainless steel
In the warm comfort of candles and carpet
It's easy to blur the edges
It's easy to smudge things when there's smoke in the air
But now there's no room for fudging
No room for stretching the truth
This is black or white, yes or no
And I want to lean towards black
"You're so goth"
But I know that deep down I am not
So I tell the truth for once in my fucking life
I say yes.
---
there's a warning label on everything now
even idiots can't claim to be uninformed
all dangers are boldly marked
i guess they forgot mine
i guess i need one after all
in spite of my total honesty and simplicity before
i guess you don't realize i'm an iceberg
maybe you haven't seen as much of my life as you should
it's not your fault
you were the shy one
but don't let that make you think that
"if nonaggressiveness can win her
then it must not be that hard"
don't you dare think that my mountain is small
just because i elevated you to the middle to start out
don't forget to look down into the places you've never been
the crevices you were allowed to surpass
i have a feeling you'll find your downfall there
if you think i am easy because i was willing
wake up
if you think i'm low-maintenance because i did the work
wake up
and if you think i'll forgive you because i've given to you
fuck off
---
this is weird
don't want to go?
can't stand the thought of separation?
definitely, definitely strange
this feeling in my stomach is alien
how did this happen?
was it when he playfully smacked me
or when he gently teased me
or innocently snuggled up to me
or pulled me close with ulterior motives?
i think about him
i watch him
i hate him i love him i want him i need him
i have him
he saved me
i hate him
i'm suckered in
---
Trying to keep my heart from skipping
Each time I see your face
Trying to keep my mind from fantasizing
Each time I hear your name
Trying to forget I ever cared
About what you thought of me
Trying to forget I ever longed
For your arms around my body
Trying to find something else to do
Than create conversations with you
Trying to find another emotion
Than the one I have for you
What an effort
What a strain
Such energy wasted
Nothing to gain
---
You see the beautiful 16 year olds
on TV
walk into a room as though the floor
were made of jello
and they with bare feet.
Smiling, giggling, bouncing, twirling
Perfect teeth, perfect hair, rosy cheeks
The comment is always made
"Someone's in love!"
Oh the lovely imagination of script writers
I'm more of a believer in
falling in love
Slipping uncontrollably
Hurt when you land
Something to be avoided
unless planned and then only to entertain another
Perhaps I haven't found that mutual love
that TV fills its broadcasts with
Perhaps returned feelings are required
for the jello walking experience.
Or perhaps
it doesn't exist
at all.
---
I don't have anything to tell you
(Nothing you want to hear)
But I've been thinking about you a lot lately
(More than I should)
And I know you're happy
(Sorry to intrude)
But this time my heart
Well it's tripped over you
So if you don't mind to just give me some time
To pick myself up and dust off my clothes
And maybe just look in your eyes for a moment,
I'll hurry away
Not fulfilled
But knowing I've gotten as much as I can
And for the moment,
I'll be happy.
---
Obsession remains
You know I still love you
But I've finally decided enough is enough
Wasted tears
It doesn't help anymore
My heart still leaps
But it's been domesticated now
Wasted emotions
Better things to do
Than worry about you
You know I still love you
But I can't have what I want
Slowly dig up the roots that my heart has grown in your rich soil
Now cradle my thirsting plant in my own arms
The only ones to depend on
The only ones who care
Will survive
Have before
Want your love
But need sanity more.
---
And what do I do now?
I'm a very boring person
Now that I've realized that I can't have you
With whom am I left to obsess?
All day I can talk about the same damn things
Yet I come away feeling complex
And now that I know I can't have you
Tell me now, what do I have left?
Nothing damn you
Nothing fuck
Nothing I love you
Nothing at all
And I feel like things just pour out of my soul
It's really just drool running down my chin
I used to hope you could wipe and dab me clean
How could I forget who I am?
If I don't have you to consume me
What's gonna fill this hole?
And why did I have to need you
When I knew I am steel and you are gold?
Who am I now? damn you
Who am I now? fuck
Who am I now? I need you
Who am I now that you're gone?
I didn't want to need you
Why did I have to fall?
Why don't I ever remember the last time?
I didn't want you at all.
---
Name
He doesn't even know my name.
Every day with him I ride
Hoping he won't see my inner flaws
The ugliness I have to hide.
He calls me Michelle.
Honestly thinks that's my name.
Laugh it off Brandie
Pretend it's a game.
And that's what life is
Can't tell me it's not
A game we all lose
We live then we rot.
Look at him adoringly
Dream of things he should say
And even though I shouldn't
I wish my life away.
Wishing, hoping, dreaming
Of the day he looks at me
And says, blushing so sweetly,
"What do ya think about gettin' with me?"
But who am I fooling?
Only me, myself, and I
If I think that for just one moment
I could ever get this guy.
Cuz I'm a lowly freshman
And he's got himself a girl
And he sees nothing in me
Doesn't take time to look inside and see the pearl.
So I dream about him
Am consumed by his flame
I really should stop dreaming
He doesn't even know my name.
---
Content section
there is beauty in everything
i gaze out this window
at the cursed world
but i can't help but be astonished
how can such perfection exist
when nothing even pushes it?
man struggles
toils
through the ages
to recreate the beautiful simplicity
of a cloud
and falls short each time
there is beauty in a breath
a gasp for air
that simply lingers along the
lines of life
each puff creating a mist
that reaches for and grabs the sky
floating high above it all
swirling above the pain and conflict
above it all
the beauty pulls us away.
---
So small
Tiny and insignificant
All around me lives are spinning
Oblivious
Slow realization I'm the center of nothing
Nothing except myself
But myself is everything
All I've ever known, ever felt, ever been
Is myself
This tiny compact speck of power
We are all equally dim
It's bright outside and our batteries are low
But put me in a dark room
When I'm alone
I'm everything
I can change darkness to light
I can make a difference in me
The world is spinning around me
But I am still
I am anchored
Ready to face the storm.
---
I'm finally falling asleep
After these restless years of wandering
Guilt and unease
I can finally lay my head on my pillow and dream
I'm so excited at the prospect of being free to dream
Without persecution or judgment
To sleep without interference
Of commitments and "supposed to's"
After all these years of remaining on foot
The burden has finally been removed
and now nothing but blissful rest
Recovery will take much less time than the insomnia lasted
For it is natural and the sleeplessness induced
Ahh sweet sweet dreams
---
yearbooks
i'm almost done, so i've taken the time to look
back at where i've come from.
amazed that i somehow made it out alive
from some places,
sorrowful that i fled so soon from others
my how we've all grown
each picture
each face
brings a smile.
i didn't know then what i know now.
so many botched attempts due to ignorance,
yet some trials amaze me in their results.
was i really capable of such things
way back then?
torn between the perspective of now
and the perspective of then:
wisdom vs. oblivion
it's been a long strange trip
the change amazes me,
the maturing amazes me,
what will i say about now?
it's a sobering thing to look back.
my how i've grown up.
---
I grew up thinking that I was fairly pretty
Not a knock out of course, but you know
More than enough to get by
Then one day, I was trying on clothes in a department store
You know, the kind where the dressing rooms
Have 2 mirrors so you can see front and back.
I just so happened to catch a view from the side
And I almost cried.
My nose was horrid!
I had never seen anything so terrible in my life.
Mom, you always wondered why I took so long
To try on just one pair of jeans
Man, I had to check out my nose!
I hated for people to look at me from the side
I avoided profile drawers like a guilty party darts from news cameras
I couldn't believe how horrible I was
And then one day I decided I wasn't so bad
I concentrated on my eyes instead of my schnozz
They were pretty
And I flaunted what I had.
And ya know....my nose hasn't changed a bit
But I've even been told that I'm beautiful.
My nose hasn't changed a bit
But it's a part of me
And when you love you, people start like having you around too.
---
Sometimes things are just going right
As much as I complain about life
Good things do happen
Some call it luck
"Planets aligned."
But whatever it is
It feels good
You're soaring
Unstoppable
Elation
So happy and free
Sometime there are really bad days
But every now and then
As if to boost us and keep us going
There is a truly perfect day
It's not the luck of the draw
Thank you, Lord.<->
Slowly
Gently
Pull the brush through tangle-free hair
Bristles massage scalp
Muscles in back gladly relax
Always rushing
Always going
But tonight she is calm
Warm
Happy
With a full belly
Right now she's not worried
About anything
Because things are good right now
Very good
That's all that matters
Pull the brush through tanglefree hair
Gently
Slowly
---
Laying on your back
Nibbling on your nail
Taste of salt
Don't know if it's from sweat or water
And it doesn't matter
Here on this island
Hot and sticky
And you decide green is definitely the color for mellow
You're sitting in the lobby
Watching the palm trees
And ferns
Blowing
Yes, green is the mellow color
But it doesn't matter
No decisions need to be made
Cuz you're in the middle of the ocean
Feeling like you could just float away
Try to catch the fish
And look again
The water is green too
The water that makes you float
The water that has salt
Circles are mellow too
---
Pausing the music
I rise
Turn out the light and remove my glasses
In the unfamiliar room
Never slept here before
I replace my glasses to focus the barely there slivers of light
That have somehow squeezed their way
Around the thick plastic blinds
I push the blinds aside and decide I do like it here
Watching the moon I know I'll be coming back again
So many interesting things to see at night
My prime
And I wonder
What will the girl be named who will be my successor to this observing throne?
Will she be like me?
What will run through her mind, 15 years from now?
Will she appreciate it?
Will there be anything left to appreciate?
As I replace my headphones, turn on the CD player and remove my glasses
I note how much louder things are in the dark.
---
Random section
Living in a nation of exaggerated tales and sideways glances
Never up front about our true emotions
Always trying to impress
Always trying to make them guess
Exactly what's going on in her brain
Things we'd love to stare at
Can only bee seen from the corners of our eyes
All of the truths are based on someone else's lies
---
We need confirmation that we'll never find perfection
Innocence shattered and then we begin to truly "live"
Life is produced by the quest to regain the idealism
Striving to surround ourselves with as many tiny pieces of perfection as possible
Hoping one day they may form a wall strong enough to withstand life's daily blows
A scattered collage which makes no sense to anyone else but the creator
But we cling to it because it's all we have
We hope the tiny reminders of joy will somehow help us through the rough days
Forgetting the bitterness which consumes when the days we plan for become a reality
Somehow
Despite it all
We hope.
---
Blind Spot
My favorite pictures
seem to be the ones
where no one is looking
at the camera.
The ones
that truly are
a slice of life.
Unsuspecting victims
have their souls pulled
into the lens
And now I get to
enjoy the ownership.
Things will never be
the same
but i can feel that
picture-
proof that those
seemingly imagined
occurences happened-
and I'm fine.
---
Wow I'm a big girl now
Look where I've got hair
Wow I'm a big girl now
My bathing suit never stuck out there before
Wow I'm a big girl now
I can give myself an orgasm
Wow I'm a big girl now
I can find velocity, do algebra, recite the PreAmble, and even tell you what onomatopoeia means
Wow I'm a big girl now
But you know what?
My shoes are the same size now as they were 10 years ago.
My hair is still brown.
I still can't figure out what color my eyes are.
I am still controlled by everything around me
No matter how much I deny it.
I used to be afraid to let my fingers hang down beside the bed.
The men underneath my mattress would've pulled them in and done something to my hands,
Something bad.
Hurt me.
Now my fingers don't even get a chance.
Wow, I'm a big girl now.
---
You know how you cry when you're walking in the wind
And you're not really sad but you're not really happy
And really you're just walking without feeling anything?
Well, that's why I cry
Cuz I'm not really sad but I'm not really happy
And not being happy makes me sad.
If not being me happy doesn't make me sad
And I'm feeling no emotion
Well, I cry then because feeling no emotion
Is really lonely.
---
Bob Evans
So I'm sitting here
Spinning my chair at the counter
Staring at the clock and wondering
If brainpower can really do all they say it can
And I'm feeling kinda dumb
Cuz I just know everyone is saying
What's the deal with that kid?
Mooching Cokes and crayons
And taking up space
But I'm telling myself to get used to it
Cuz I'm here till closing
And thinking too much and worrying too much
Only kills you
---
Eyes dart around room
Seeking approval
Acceptance
The cool kids
Aren't scared
Not on the outside
Fear is so uncool
They'll do anything
For approval
Face the scariest trials
Do the strangest thing
They're not afraid
Fear is so uncool
Talk themselves up
Have done things
That they really haven't
Because they're brave
Brave enough to do anything
For acceptance
Bravery isn't fear
Fear is so uncool
But the truth is
Coolness is simply
Fear of rejection.
---
The music we sing in chorus class
So beautiful
Angelic
Perfect harmony
No need for piano
Our voices the only instruments
Ever needed
Floating
Exhilarating.
Why?
If I enjoy it so much
Do I come home and put this on?
People say
How can you think this music
Is beautiful?
It isn't.
That I'll admit.
Why do I like it then?
Because it isn't
Beautiful.
This generation
My generation
Has been told all of our lives
To smile
Suck it in
Pretend everything's beautiful.
But it's not.
There is anger.
It's not beautiful.
My generation isn't sure how to speak
We speak through music.
The music speaks for us
This music
Let's us get rid of that anger
Harsh beats
Harsh words
Angst-filled screams
Things aren't beautiful
The whole world doesn't really
Rotate around love
And the happy things everyone else sings about
Of course the music isn't
Beautiful
The stuff they sing about
Isn't either
But it's real
So I guess
Reality isn't beautiful
Either
---
I'm a very angry person when I think
Sad and angry
The slightest thing sets me off
There's too much to think about
Too many things are out there to make me crazy and upset
Drive me nuts
When I think of all the things wrong with my life
And other people's lives
And what this whole world is anymore
It just confuses me and angers me and saddens me
I don't like being confused
I'm a person who needs to understand
I love math because I understand
I have mastered it
When I don't understand something
It's beaten me
I feel defenseless
So I get defensive
Everything sets me off
It comes out as anger
I'm a very angry person when I think
---
People say
"Forgive and forget!"
But that means a lesson goes unlearned
Because if you truly forget
You can't learn from that mistake...
And run into the same brick wall
---
There's nothing to write about
Boredom isn't really a terrible thing
It means you've accomplished everything required of you
You have time for yourself
You can be bored and have things to do
But then those things give you something to work on
And you're not quite as bored.
Unless it's math homework
---
Living in a state of indecision
Of confusion
Not knowing where I'm going
Not caring
Not deciding
Could've taken a hold of my life
Gotten control and dominance
But I let it slide
I wasn't sure
Didn't want to make the wrong decision
So I let the decision be made by default
Let time expire
How relaxing.
---
I saw the fat woman at Frishes.
So large she couldn't even cross her legs
She had a beautiful face and I suppose her rail thin husband had seen that too.
Most guys wouldn't.
As she waggled by I wondered why?
And thanked God I wasn't like that
Yet.
i'm a few hundred feet above the street
wondering how the hell anyone could ever
have the balls to jump
yet be too gutless to face life.
and i'm watching the taxis and minivans
and wondering who they are,
those hurried people.
why does my life seem so huge?
things seem so complicated
till you step up a few hundred feet
and see thousands of photocopies of you
from above
those people all have families,
all smothered by their lives and responsibilities
we live in a world of tangled webs
yet somehow manage to slip through
with minimal damage
and i'm struggling over the strand of
self-importance
trying to find a way to leave my mark
pissing on trees like every other dog
has lost its glamour.
all i can do now is take comfort in
seeing them
knowing they are striving for the same thing
not every person can be a winner
but people keep pushing for the prize
don't lose hope
we're getting closer
not much longer now
almost home
---
Obsession section
"You love him don't you?"
My heart hit the floor
A moment ago I had been a sad little girl
And it made me smile with pain
Now another piece of my life has been dragged out onto the stainless steel
In the warm comfort of candles and carpet
It's easy to blur the edges
It's easy to smudge things when there's smoke in the air
But now there's no room for fudging
No room for stretching the truth
This is black or white, yes or no
And I want to lean towards black
"You're so goth"
But I know that deep down I am not
So I tell the truth for once in my fucking life
I say yes.
---
there's a warning label on everything now
even idiots can't claim to be uninformed
all dangers are boldly marked
i guess they forgot mine
i guess i need one after all
in spite of my total honesty and simplicity before
i guess you don't realize i'm an iceberg
maybe you haven't seen as much of my life as you should
it's not your fault
you were the shy one
but don't let that make you think that
"if nonaggressiveness can win her
then it must not be that hard"
don't you dare think that my mountain is small
just because i elevated you to the middle to start out
don't forget to look down into the places you've never been
the crevices you were allowed to surpass
i have a feeling you'll find your downfall there
if you think i am easy because i was willing
wake up
if you think i'm low-maintenance because i did the work
wake up
and if you think i'll forgive you because i've given to you
fuck off
---
this is weird
don't want to go?
can't stand the thought of separation?
definitely, definitely strange
this feeling in my stomach is alien
how did this happen?
was it when he playfully smacked me
or when he gently teased me
or innocently snuggled up to me
or pulled me close with ulterior motives?
i think about him
i watch him
i hate him i love him i want him i need him
i have him
he saved me
i hate him
i'm suckered in
---
Trying to keep my heart from skipping
Each time I see your face
Trying to keep my mind from fantasizing
Each time I hear your name
Trying to forget I ever cared
About what you thought of me
Trying to forget I ever longed
For your arms around my body
Trying to find something else to do
Than create conversations with you
Trying to find another emotion
Than the one I have for you
What an effort
What a strain
Such energy wasted
Nothing to gain
---
You see the beautiful 16 year olds
on TV
walk into a room as though the floor
were made of jello
and they with bare feet.
Smiling, giggling, bouncing, twirling
Perfect teeth, perfect hair, rosy cheeks
The comment is always made
"Someone's in love!"
Oh the lovely imagination of script writers
I'm more of a believer in
falling in love
Slipping uncontrollably
Hurt when you land
Something to be avoided
unless planned and then only to entertain another
Perhaps I haven't found that mutual love
that TV fills its broadcasts with
Perhaps returned feelings are required
for the jello walking experience.
Or perhaps
it doesn't exist
at all.
---
I don't have anything to tell you
(Nothing you want to hear)
But I've been thinking about you a lot lately
(More than I should)
And I know you're happy
(Sorry to intrude)
But this time my heart
Well it's tripped over you
So if you don't mind to just give me some time
To pick myself up and dust off my clothes
And maybe just look in your eyes for a moment,
I'll hurry away
Not fulfilled
But knowing I've gotten as much as I can
And for the moment,
I'll be happy.
---
Obsession remains
You know I still love you
But I've finally decided enough is enough
Wasted tears
It doesn't help anymore
My heart still leaps
But it's been domesticated now
Wasted emotions
Better things to do
Than worry about you
You know I still love you
But I can't have what I want
Slowly dig up the roots that my heart has grown in your rich soil
Now cradle my thirsting plant in my own arms
The only ones to depend on
The only ones who care
Will survive
Have before
Want your love
But need sanity more.
---
And what do I do now?
I'm a very boring person
Now that I've realized that I can't have you
With whom am I left to obsess?
All day I can talk about the same damn things
Yet I come away feeling complex
And now that I know I can't have you
Tell me now, what do I have left?
Nothing damn you
Nothing fuck
Nothing I love you
Nothing at all
And I feel like things just pour out of my soul
It's really just drool running down my chin
I used to hope you could wipe and dab me clean
How could I forget who I am?
If I don't have you to consume me
What's gonna fill this hole?
And why did I have to need you
When I knew I am steel and you are gold?
Who am I now? damn you
Who am I now? fuck
Who am I now? I need you
Who am I now that you're gone?
I didn't want to need you
Why did I have to fall?
Why don't I ever remember the last time?
I didn't want you at all.
---
Name
He doesn't even know my name.
Every day with him I ride
Hoping he won't see my inner flaws
The ugliness I have to hide.
He calls me Michelle.
Honestly thinks that's my name.
Laugh it off Brandie
Pretend it's a game.
And that's what life is
Can't tell me it's not
A game we all lose
We live then we rot.
Look at him adoringly
Dream of things he should say
And even though I shouldn't
I wish my life away.
Wishing, hoping, dreaming
Of the day he looks at me
And says, blushing so sweetly,
"What do ya think about gettin' with me?"
But who am I fooling?
Only me, myself, and I
If I think that for just one moment
I could ever get this guy.
Cuz I'm a lowly freshman
And he's got himself a girl
And he sees nothing in me
Doesn't take time to look inside and see the pearl.
So I dream about him
Am consumed by his flame
I really should stop dreaming
He doesn't even know my name.
---
Content section
there is beauty in everything
i gaze out this window
at the cursed world
but i can't help but be astonished
how can such perfection exist
when nothing even pushes it?
man struggles
toils
through the ages
to recreate the beautiful simplicity
of a cloud
and falls short each time
there is beauty in a breath
a gasp for air
that simply lingers along the
lines of life
each puff creating a mist
that reaches for and grabs the sky
floating high above it all
swirling above the pain and conflict
above it all
the beauty pulls us away.
---
So small
Tiny and insignificant
All around me lives are spinning
Oblivious
Slow realization I'm the center of nothing
Nothing except myself
But myself is everything
All I've ever known, ever felt, ever been
Is myself
This tiny compact speck of power
We are all equally dim
It's bright outside and our batteries are low
But put me in a dark room
When I'm alone
I'm everything
I can change darkness to light
I can make a difference in me
The world is spinning around me
But I am still
I am anchored
Ready to face the storm.
---
I'm finally falling asleep
After these restless years of wandering
Guilt and unease
I can finally lay my head on my pillow and dream
I'm so excited at the prospect of being free to dream
Without persecution or judgment
To sleep without interference
Of commitments and "supposed to's"
After all these years of remaining on foot
The burden has finally been removed
and now nothing but blissful rest
Recovery will take much less time than the insomnia lasted
For it is natural and the sleeplessness induced
Ahh sweet sweet dreams
---
yearbooks
i'm almost done, so i've taken the time to look
back at where i've come from.
amazed that i somehow made it out alive
from some places,
sorrowful that i fled so soon from others
my how we've all grown
each picture
each face
brings a smile.
i didn't know then what i know now.
so many botched attempts due to ignorance,
yet some trials amaze me in their results.
was i really capable of such things
way back then?
torn between the perspective of now
and the perspective of then:
wisdom vs. oblivion
it's been a long strange trip
the change amazes me,
the maturing amazes me,
what will i say about now?
it's a sobering thing to look back.
my how i've grown up.
---
I grew up thinking that I was fairly pretty
Not a knock out of course, but you know
More than enough to get by
Then one day, I was trying on clothes in a department store
You know, the kind where the dressing rooms
Have 2 mirrors so you can see front and back.
I just so happened to catch a view from the side
And I almost cried.
My nose was horrid!
I had never seen anything so terrible in my life.
Mom, you always wondered why I took so long
To try on just one pair of jeans
Man, I had to check out my nose!
I hated for people to look at me from the side
I avoided profile drawers like a guilty party darts from news cameras
I couldn't believe how horrible I was
And then one day I decided I wasn't so bad
I concentrated on my eyes instead of my schnozz
They were pretty
And I flaunted what I had.
And ya know....my nose hasn't changed a bit
But I've even been told that I'm beautiful.
My nose hasn't changed a bit
But it's a part of me
And when you love you, people start like having you around too.
---
Sometimes things are just going right
As much as I complain about life
Good things do happen
Some call it luck
"Planets aligned."
But whatever it is
It feels good
You're soaring
Unstoppable
Elation
So happy and free
Sometime there are really bad days
But every now and then
As if to boost us and keep us going
There is a truly perfect day
It's not the luck of the draw
Thank you, Lord.<->
Slowly
Gently
Pull the brush through tangle-free hair
Bristles massage scalp
Muscles in back gladly relax
Always rushing
Always going
But tonight she is calm
Warm
Happy
With a full belly
Right now she's not worried
About anything
Because things are good right now
Very good
That's all that matters
Pull the brush through tanglefree hair
Gently
Slowly
---
Laying on your back
Nibbling on your nail
Taste of salt
Don't know if it's from sweat or water
And it doesn't matter
Here on this island
Hot and sticky
And you decide green is definitely the color for mellow
You're sitting in the lobby
Watching the palm trees
And ferns
Blowing
Yes, green is the mellow color
But it doesn't matter
No decisions need to be made
Cuz you're in the middle of the ocean
Feeling like you could just float away
Try to catch the fish
And look again
The water is green too
The water that makes you float
The water that has salt
Circles are mellow too
---
Pausing the music
I rise
Turn out the light and remove my glasses
In the unfamiliar room
Never slept here before
I replace my glasses to focus the barely there slivers of light
That have somehow squeezed their way
Around the thick plastic blinds
I push the blinds aside and decide I do like it here
Watching the moon I know I'll be coming back again
So many interesting things to see at night
My prime
And I wonder
What will the girl be named who will be my successor to this observing throne?
Will she be like me?
What will run through her mind, 15 years from now?
Will she appreciate it?
Will there be anything left to appreciate?
As I replace my headphones, turn on the CD player and remove my glasses
I note how much louder things are in the dark.
---
Random section
Living in a nation of exaggerated tales and sideways glances
Never up front about our true emotions
Always trying to impress
Always trying to make them guess
Exactly what's going on in her brain
Things we'd love to stare at
Can only bee seen from the corners of our eyes
All of the truths are based on someone else's lies
---
We need confirmation that we'll never find perfection
Innocence shattered and then we begin to truly "live"
Life is produced by the quest to regain the idealism
Striving to surround ourselves with as many tiny pieces of perfection as possible
Hoping one day they may form a wall strong enough to withstand life's daily blows
A scattered collage which makes no sense to anyone else but the creator
But we cling to it because it's all we have
We hope the tiny reminders of joy will somehow help us through the rough days
Forgetting the bitterness which consumes when the days we plan for become a reality
Somehow
Despite it all
We hope.
---
Blind Spot
My favorite pictures
seem to be the ones
where no one is looking
at the camera.
The ones
that truly are
a slice of life.
Unsuspecting victims
have their souls pulled
into the lens
And now I get to
enjoy the ownership.
Things will never be
the same
but i can feel that
picture-
proof that those
seemingly imagined
occurences happened-
and I'm fine.
---
Wow I'm a big girl now
Look where I've got hair
Wow I'm a big girl now
My bathing suit never stuck out there before
Wow I'm a big girl now
I can give myself an orgasm
Wow I'm a big girl now
I can find velocity, do algebra, recite the PreAmble, and even tell you what onomatopoeia means
Wow I'm a big girl now
But you know what?
My shoes are the same size now as they were 10 years ago.
My hair is still brown.
I still can't figure out what color my eyes are.
I am still controlled by everything around me
No matter how much I deny it.
I used to be afraid to let my fingers hang down beside the bed.
The men underneath my mattress would've pulled them in and done something to my hands,
Something bad.
Hurt me.
Now my fingers don't even get a chance.
Wow, I'm a big girl now.
---
You know how you cry when you're walking in the wind
And you're not really sad but you're not really happy
And really you're just walking without feeling anything?
Well, that's why I cry
Cuz I'm not really sad but I'm not really happy
And not being happy makes me sad.
If not being me happy doesn't make me sad
And I'm feeling no emotion
Well, I cry then because feeling no emotion
Is really lonely.
---
Bob Evans
So I'm sitting here
Spinning my chair at the counter
Staring at the clock and wondering
If brainpower can really do all they say it can
And I'm feeling kinda dumb
Cuz I just know everyone is saying
What's the deal with that kid?
Mooching Cokes and crayons
And taking up space
But I'm telling myself to get used to it
Cuz I'm here till closing
And thinking too much and worrying too much
Only kills you
---
Eyes dart around room
Seeking approval
Acceptance
The cool kids
Aren't scared
Not on the outside
Fear is so uncool
They'll do anything
For approval
Face the scariest trials
Do the strangest thing
They're not afraid
Fear is so uncool
Talk themselves up
Have done things
That they really haven't
Because they're brave
Brave enough to do anything
For acceptance
Bravery isn't fear
Fear is so uncool
But the truth is
Coolness is simply
Fear of rejection.
---
The music we sing in chorus class
So beautiful
Angelic
Perfect harmony
No need for piano
Our voices the only instruments
Ever needed
Floating
Exhilarating.
Why?
If I enjoy it so much
Do I come home and put this on?
People say
How can you think this music
Is beautiful?
It isn't.
That I'll admit.
Why do I like it then?
Because it isn't
Beautiful.
This generation
My generation
Has been told all of our lives
To smile
Suck it in
Pretend everything's beautiful.
But it's not.
There is anger.
It's not beautiful.
My generation isn't sure how to speak
We speak through music.
The music speaks for us
This music
Let's us get rid of that anger
Harsh beats
Harsh words
Angst-filled screams
Things aren't beautiful
The whole world doesn't really
Rotate around love
And the happy things everyone else sings about
Of course the music isn't
Beautiful
The stuff they sing about
Isn't either
But it's real
So I guess
Reality isn't beautiful
Either
---
I'm a very angry person when I think
Sad and angry
The slightest thing sets me off
There's too much to think about
Too many things are out there to make me crazy and upset
Drive me nuts
When I think of all the things wrong with my life
And other people's lives
And what this whole world is anymore
It just confuses me and angers me and saddens me
I don't like being confused
I'm a person who needs to understand
I love math because I understand
I have mastered it
When I don't understand something
It's beaten me
I feel defenseless
So I get defensive
Everything sets me off
It comes out as anger
I'm a very angry person when I think
---
People say
"Forgive and forget!"
But that means a lesson goes unlearned
Because if you truly forget
You can't learn from that mistake...
And run into the same brick wall
---
There's nothing to write about
Boredom isn't really a terrible thing
It means you've accomplished everything required of you
You have time for yourself
You can be bored and have things to do
But then those things give you something to work on
And you're not quite as bored.
Unless it's math homework
---
Living in a state of indecision
Of confusion
Not knowing where I'm going
Not caring
Not deciding
Could've taken a hold of my life
Gotten control and dominance
But I let it slide
I wasn't sure
Didn't want to make the wrong decision
So I let the decision be made by default
Let time expire
How relaxing.
---
I saw the fat woman at Frishes.
So large she couldn't even cross her legs
She had a beautiful face and I suppose her rail thin husband had seen that too.
Most guys wouldn't.
As she waggled by I wondered why?
And thanked God I wasn't like that
Yet.