Paper Heart on a Sleeve

empowerment

Tue, 02 Feb 2021 01:30:00 GMT

I feel like everything is coming together now. Perhaps school wasn't the total death that I imagined, just another stress factor that will one day cause me to roll my eyes and almost be inclined to long for. I think that my life has finally gotten to the point that I truly can proclaim these days to be the best of my life. I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm capable, and I'm alive. I feel like naked Giovanni Ribisi right now. And maybe that's how I'll force myself to sleep tonight. It's far too late to be awake considering the fact that I have school tomorrow, but I'm OK. I'm living for the moment and I can do that, now. I'm crushing and loving and flirting and friending and it's great and I never want to grow out of this moment. Why can't everything always feel this new?

"And I may not be able to change the whole fucking world but I can be the million that you never made"~Ani D

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Tue, 02 Feb 2021 01:22:47 GMT

I'm stressed out about the AP test right now but I'm also excited about it. For the first time I'm going to be able to show everyone just how good I am at writing. I don't want to shoot too high, but I think that a 5 is within my reach. I really want that because I feel, personally, that's something Rob or Eric could never have. As juvenile as it seems, that's all I really want to do is show that I'm superior to them in something besides partying and making friends. A five would also help me forgive Mr. Besecker. So I'm nervous about the test.

This entire week is gonna be hellacious. Talk about stress...work on Wednesday 4:30-close, APUSH test on Friday, presentations in Chemistry, Essay in Korth's class, PROM on Saturday, Flying Pig Marathon, Mother's Day and working 4:30 to close on Sunday... geez I might pass out just thinking about it. It's time like these that I miss Ty - a best friend to vent all my fears and frustrations to. I don't want him back but I really wish I had someone to provide moral support. I'm kind of excited about Brandon talking to Dustin for me. I had given up on the whole thing but he's given me new hope. I don't want to invest too much into it but I'm reluctantly hopeful. I'm glad that I'm getting the opportunity now because I was afraid I'd lose my chance once summer came and he graduated. Gee, that sounds familiar. I'm really hoping that SOMETHING happens cuz I think I deserve a break. Besides, I have to have some use for my garter belt.

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 21:31:10 GMT

Time has been kind to me, slipping away just as quickly as I hoped and expected. But I've just terrified myself awake by realizing that this waterfall of highschool has left me with deeply entrenched flaws that I'm worried have become vital for everyday life. Timeline anyone? (insert extremely vague yet horribly depressing timeline here depicting the more recent milestones of maturity) Is this a downward spiral? fall from grace? price of maturity? It's hard to tel when and where I lost control, and if I have hope of ever getting it back. I'm 17 -- only 17 and yet fucking 17 years old. A woman in a girl's body and (Willy Wonka:) "Strike that, reverse it." etc etc. Time flies when you're having fun, and apparently, so do I, but I'm tired and scared now cuz I don't know how to stop this monster of me that I've created.

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i love music: The Journey of Religious and Musical Experience in My Life

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 21:21:57 GMT

I love music. To me, music isn’t the most important thing in my life—it is my life. Perhaps the reason I place such an enormous amount of faith in the entire idea of music is because music alone has remained with me while my entire world crumbled and rebuilt itself around me. No one person or thing can ever claim to have such a consistent influence in my life. Perhaps, in my mind, music is my god.

“Music is the soundtrack of your life.” ~Dick Clark

From a very young age, I have found an enormous amount of comfort in music. Whenever I was feeling lonely or sad, I could put on my favorite album, and at least for a while, my problems would disappear. Throughout all sorts of turmoil in my life, my music collection has been my default source of consolation or confirmation for my entire spectrum of emotions. When I had doubts about my religion, listening to either contemporary Christian music or “evil” industrial music helped me feel better about the doubts that ran through my head. When I decided to give up on my Christian quest, that same industrial music helped give me a new perspective so that I had the strength to continue with my new shaky journey. Some of the people in my church blamed the music I listened to for making me question the beliefs they had worked so hard to plant in my mind. Perhaps this is true, but only because the beliefs never grew the right roots to begin with. Now that once again I have found a degree of faith, I turn to music again to confirm that I am still on the right track. This will be an exploration of my journey from a prepubescent blind believer to my current state of faith.

“In a daze cuz I found God.” ~Kurt Cobain, Nirvana, Lithium

I used to be a very devoted Christian. From the age of eleven until I was around fifteen years old, I gave my heart, life, soul, and mind to the Christian God. Granted, everyone has doubts when they tread uncharted territory in their soul, but I always felt a bit uneasy in my church. The constant barrage of insults and ego-checking stabs took their toll as everyone within God’s house persecuted me for my sins. The biggest sin of mine in their eyes was my devotion to secular music. They made me feel like the most wretched soul on earth because I preferred to listen to Nirvana instead of dcTalk, (a contemporary Christian band). Even then, the baby stages of my independence, I began to grasp the concept that my ability to appreciate “heathen” music was based on my intelligence. I understood that the music was more than just screaming and curse words; so, I could get past the objectionable parts and appreciate it for its true worth. In a sense, I could “handle” the music without it directly affecting my faith. The fact that the members of the church refused to understand that idea led me to doubt their respect for my individuality. The cracks in the foundation of my faith were forming.

“Doubt is often the beginning of wisdom.” ~M. Scott Peck

As the nagging from the inside and out grew louder and louder, I began to feel guilty for a majority of my life. Around the age of 13, I began to slip into a seemingly incurable depression caused by insecurity alone. I felt no acceptance—at church, at school, and even at home—all because I had chosen a new lifestyle that involved some less mainstream music and ideas. I began a quest for acceptance at that time, one that led me much further than I ever dreamed possible.

“I’ve always believed that a person is smart. It’s people that are stupid. And few things bear this out better than war, organized religion, bureaucracy, and high school, where majority mercilessly rules. When I looked back on my first days there, all I saw was an insecurity and doubt so overwhelming that a single pimple was capable of throwing my life out of balance. Not until my final days did I have self-confidence and self-respect, even a measure of individuality.” ~Marilyn Manson, Long Hard Road Out of Hell

Still attempting to cling to my naďve belief that religion is the answer to all things, I passed off my guilt as the Holy Spirit trying to keep me in line. Still, I imagined myself to be Sylvester the Cat with an angel on my right shoulder and a devil on the left. In my life, God seemed to be the grandmother, always ready to protect her tiny bird (the church) by bopping me on the head with an umbrella. It was a confusing time as I tried to figure out which of the guiding voices was the Holy Spirit and which was the voice of Temptation. One of them told me to “Fear God,” (Deuteronomy 10:20), the other told me to Love Him.

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death.” ~Psalm 13:1-3

“It became clear that the suffering they were praying to be released from was a suffering they had imposed on themselves-and now us.” ~Marilyn Manson, Long Hard Road Out of Hell

For a long time, I simply tried to ignore the stream of words that flew in and around me during that period. It was a confusing and scary time as I felt a war raging inside of me, yet could not understand what it was about. I was angry!, yet I had no reason for it. I knew I had been lied to!, yet the truth was too hard to find. My emotional reactions to seemingly shallow situations told me something was wrong; but, for me, music was the only thing that maintained any definite truth.

“Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.” ~John Morley

“Religion is not a matter of God, church, holy cause, etc. These are but accessories. The source of religious preoccupation is in the self, or rather the rejection of the self. Dedication is the obverse side of self-rejection. Man alone is a religious animals because, as Montaigne points out, “it is a malady confined to man, and not seen in any other creature, to hate and despise ourselves.”” ~Eric Hoffer

It was at this time that I began expanding my vocabulary and accepting that this period of my life would be one of disillusionment. Until that point, I had made it my only goal to be a nonconformist, yet that was much too vague for a goal-oriented person like me. I must always have a goal to strive for, a bright light to follow, a race to win. Until then, that goal and light and race had always been defined in my Christian life. Suddenly, I veered off the normal course of my life onto a side road called Self-Discovery. I began to dissect my life and decide what was truly important to me. Somehow, music came first.

“What would you say if you saw your idol fall?” ~Tartuffe by Molier

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“Leaves tear themselves from the only limb they’ve known to experience the freedom, the uncertainty of air.” ~Jewel, Night Falls, a night without armor

It was time for a new era. Instead of basing all of my life decisions on the Bible and the Church, I began to ask myself, “What do YOU want?” when it was time to make a choice. Instead of remaining in a state of oligarchy where God, the preacher, the youth minister, my parents, and my friends all had a vote in what I did, I decided to make my own voice the loudest in the crowd. I began to make—“I don’t care what you think unless it is about me,” (Kurt Cobain)—my own sort of anthem. I have always been aware and slightly concerned with my image, but since that time I have never allowed what other people thought to heavily influence my final product.

“Pray, (v) To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly worthless.” ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

A lonely yet independent time followed in which began to learn who I was and began to glorify myself as opposed to the resenting what I had become. I began to advertise myself, expressing my views through my choice in music, and finding people with similar tastes to associate with. Sadly, few people shared the passion that I did for music. That slipped in importance, though; as I found that the simple act of exhibiting my imperfections helped me deal with them. By putting myself on display, I quickly learned to find my flaws and how to systematically deal with each one. At times, people grew weary of hearing me talk about all that was wrong with me. This was simply my way of letting them know that I was aware of my faults, just not sure how to fix them yet. My mindset seemed to say, “Hey, there’s something wrong with me, but there’s something wrong with all of us. So I’ll complain about my problems until I figure out how to fix them and hopefully you’ll help me along the way.” I learned that I was not powerless and that I could change the world, even if it was only my world I was changing.

“We must learn to climb out of this man-sized hole, and open our eyes to a new world.” ~Chaz Stacy

In my sophomore year, I made friends with a group of older guys at my school. We hung out because we shared similar musical tastes, yet we bonded over much deeper issues. They took me under their wing as their protégé, their little understudy. I learned to systematically question each doctrine that I had been force-fed over the years. Slowly I began to realize that many of the things I claimed to believe by default as a Christian were in direct contrast to my actual feelings on the subject. My friends each tried to help me crawl out of the shaky skeletal shell of Christian beliefs to which I clung. At that time, I was still too intimidated by the looming world to face it without hope of salvation and religion. Their goal in their talks with me was to try to show me that I was strong enough to survive without clinging to a set of predefined beliefs. Slowly, but surely, I learned.

“Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

My mentors graduated and we went separate ways as we all moved on to the bigger and better things. After a dizzy summer of warped lessons and confusing emotions, I returned to school more alone yet more determined than ever. It was at this point that I began rapidly acquiring and losing friends. As my strength and independence increased, the lifespan of my close friendships decreased. This was only a slight deterrent though; I had my mind on bigger things. I had a new quest: to network and learn as much about everyone as I could. I did well, making many new friends and a few new enemies. My ultimate project in psychology had begun.

“She reads the minds of all the people that pass her by…hoping someone can see.” ~Trent Reznor, The Fragile

“And he will hunt that beast through every city until he thrusts her back again to Hell, from which she was first sent above by envy.” ~Dante’s Inferno

I began to think of myself as emotionally dead at this point. It was my only way of coping with the horrors around me. I was finding out a great deal about the world around me, yet I wasn’t so sure I wanted to know all of it. I was struggling to regain power in my life without hurting those around me and found it nearly impossible. My vision of reality was greatly warped; I saw only the things that I needed to help me understand my growing process.

“(I can’t go on. I don’t belong here.) I listen to radio programs and people’s voices talking and I marvel that they can get excited and interested over nothing.” ~Charles Bukowski, an empire of coins, betting on the muse

By this point I had abandoned all hope of finding a new religion to replace the faith I had lost in Christianity. I researched many types of theology, but all left the bitter taste of disappointment in my mouth. As I struggled to find something to tell me how to live, I couldn’t help notice that all the answers required an investment of faith that I just wasn’t willing to make. Music remained my main source of inspiration as I looked to the seemingly enlightened lyrics for guidance in areas where I struggled. At that point, I decided to end my quest for any form of organized religion, and began to base all my morals and doctrines on my own needs. In a sense, I made myself my own god.

“I went to god just to see/ and I was looking at me/ Saw heaven and hell were lies/ When I’m god everyone dies.” ~Marilyn Manson, Reflecting God, Antichrist Superstar

Eventually I learned how self-destructive and lonely my auto-theism was. By convincing myself that I was above my peers, I found myself almost eager to trample on all the things that they held dear. I began using people freely, taking all they had to give without fear of consequence or reprisal. At last, I found myself alone in a barren field. Bodies lay fallen around me, reminders of past friendships and misguided decisions. I lost all respect for myself, and in turn lost respect for everything else. I had no one to blame, no fingers to point, and at last, I was humbled. My pride, I decided, must give.

“But what I couldn’t figure out was whether high school had corrupted me or enlightened me. Maybe it was both, and corruption and enlightenment were inseparable.” ~Marilyn Manson, Long Hard Road Out of Hell

Since then, I’ve struggled to make amends with those that I unjustly slaughtered. The people who I felt were actually worth the investment received my own twisted apologies as I tried to retain my pride, yet sacrifice my swollen ego. Some people refused to accept and, to this day, refuse to even meet my gaze. I hold no sorrow or regret for them in my heart, only a sort of pity at their sacrificial lamb status in which they have chosen to remain. I look at each person in my life as a lesson, and if that’s all they’re worth, then perhaps that’s all they were ever meant to be.

“Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with what there is.” ~Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

I still don’t cling to any form of religion but I am finding some solace for my past in a slowly developing sense of Fate. I currently believe that, as a powerful being, I am in full control of my life and choices, yet maybe there is a more powerful spirit existing that allows all of our independent souls to work so beautifully together.

“Believe in something if it stops your suffering.” ~Robb Flynn

At times, I still converse with people who regularly attend the church of their choice and continue to give their life to their god each day. I have infinite respect for them, and perhaps any sentiments of resentment are rooted in my sense of jealousy. I wish I still had the capacity to believe so strongly in something that even cold, hard facts could not shake my faith. However, I believe that blind faith is truly something for the spiritually blind. If you can dismiss the validity of all other doctrines simply because you feel that yours is supreme, congratulations; you ARE a child of “a false, drunken God asleep at the wheel” (Charles Bukowski). My mind simply refuses to accept such a simple answer though.

“Little did they know that not only did their god not care at all, but was completely unaware of their existence.” ~Life of a Fetus

“Why destroy present happiness by a distant misery which may never come at all, or you may never live to see it?” ~Sydney Smith

Religion is one of the most powerful sources of conflict on earth. If I could change one thing about it, I would not eliminate its existence or influence or even its corruption. I think I would just try to open people’s minds so that they could see that each different god that we try to appease is really the same being under many different names. Call it Yahweh, Buddha, Jesus, Mary, Lucifer, or Mother Nature—we all are just trying to find an undying, undeserved agape so that we can truly be redeemed. Perhaps if we stopped looking so closely at the faults in others we could truly learn to see the good in all. That is my source of hope.

“Couldn’t it be that we are all just…here? Why does there have to be an explanation for everything? Life does not need to be explained by a superior being. Life is a miracle. Miracles are not meant to be explained.” ~Anonymous

I don’t call to the Heavens in my times of need. Maybe the Heavens just take too long to respond for me. Maybe they’re not listening at all. Though my soul has been shattered with self-doubt and persecution, music has helped bind the pieces of me that religion shattered back together. Lyrics can truly be faith for the faithless. I have learned to crawl inside myself during my times of need, and though it can be lonely, I have a feeling that perhaps that is the safest place to be.

“God, in His graciousness, has made me so that this, your misery, cannot touch me; I can withstand the fires flaming here.” ~Dante’s Inferno

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undated "rants" from webpage

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:46:28 GMT

It's been rough these past few weeks. It seems like ever since my birthday especially I've just been totally in a rut, an unpassionate bored apathetic disgusted hopeless rut. I kept myself down because I saw nothing close enough to reach toward-and I'm too lazy to get up and move and help myself. I think perhaps tonight will be the end of that..................................................................I pretty much just ran out of things to say, so to speak. I know I'm in a bad spot when I can no longer write-and I was totally devoid of anything even remotely paperworthy for so long. I think the reason that I'm sleepless right now is because I was so emotionally excited by the fact that my brain waves were actually quivering to some degree tonight. It has been one of those exhausted too-tired-to-sleep days and yet I seem to work best like this. Maybe less really is more....
The story. When the nervous breakdown happened, I was so eager to keep it under wraps and push it out of the spotlight as soon as possible that I never gave myself any sort of resolution. People ask me about it and I treat it as some 30mph gust that knocked my hat off as opposed to the hurricane that I believe(d?) it to be. I think the incident has been nagging at my conscious ever since. I've not forced myself to dwell on it because I'm still a bit wary of fresh wounds, but I'm slowly working towards a close for the ordeal. Perhaps my recent slump has been the metaphorical post-natal depression. I kept looking back at my summer and saying "Where the fact did that go?" but maybe that's my current problem.
I laugh at those stuck in the past. I laugh at those caught up in an image or situation. Yet, once again, I'm laughing at myself.
I feel ready to tackle a new Ani album.
At least I've moved out of the horrible phase where Papa Roach was speaking to me and am back to blessed Radiohead. I don't think I'm in love with <> anymore. I think I just want to be him instead. So it goes. (Perhaps I should finish that book now.)
I took on too much and it caught up with me. I've had some time to calm down and I think I can handle this now. I'm still not seeing all the beauty, still not teary-eyed much anymore, but I'm trying. I think I'm ready for some new journeys.

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I'm weary. The summer has been a long, tumultuous journey and I am almost eager for its close. I'm torn because, despite the toll the summer has taken on my life, I know that the school year will bring no relief, only a change of inclination. Although I have spent the past few months sprinting to make the most of limited time, I fully realize that upcoming months will offer little solace from the frantic pace to which I've nearly become accustomed. The milestone of the beginning of school seems only to mark the transformation of the nature of the race; shifting from a frenzied pursuit of elation to a race against the clock of application deadlines. I'm full of dread. Despite my continuous struggle against my body's limitations, this summer has been a perfect utopia for me. It seems as though I truly found god within myself. My powers were unlimited and my influence stretched far beyond any boundaries I could have ever set. Now I know that I'm returning to a world of restrictions, guidelines, forced smiles, schedules, and routine. Although I'm almost willing to embrace the idea of structure in my life again, I know that only a few hours back in the swing of things will remind me of why I yearn for summer vacation in the first place. I know how exhausted I was after just two and a half weeks of performance in England and I can barely fathom how draining this school year will be when I will be fully expected to be "on" the whole time. Yet, I doubt I can cope with a deflated ego for nine months. I'm hoping that I'll be able to gently lower society's expectations of me enough that I won't always be expected to be the grinning jester, yet still retain my intriguing image of the brazen free-spirit. I've finally managed to assume the ideal identity for which I've sought and I fear that the strain of school may crush the delicate ecosystem in which such a personality thrives. I no longer doubt my ability to achieve happiness or to befriend anyone I please. Self-doubt no longer plagues my life. At the same time, I realize that I've also morphed into a much more self-conscious person. Self-conscious is often used with such negative connotations, and perhaps this is with good reason, but in my case, I really don?t see this development as a bad thing. I think my main intimidation factor in the past was the fact that I really didn't care what people thought. Saying whatever is on your mind is perfectly fine, as long as you?re not sacrificing the comfort of others in the process. I've learned this the hard way. Many friends have fallen prey to the treacherous cliffs of my learning process, and as I gaze back at the path I've just traversed, I can only feel a sad sense of responsibility for the casualties left behind me in the path of destruction. I can draw many parallels between my life this summer and Sherman's March to the Sea. Although my campaign was successful in elevating my spirits, I realize that the victory came at a dear price. I'm still deciding if it was all worth it. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", yet one must inspect the damage to their overall health once the proverbial smoke clears. I've grown rapidly, yet I wonder if this is not just excess gain, or perhaps just premature growth if nothing else. I never dreamed that maturity would come at such high stakes, and I wonder if this growth spurt is going to leave stretch marks. Perhaps I entered this bramble assuming I already had all the scars necessary for daily existence. I suppose the review of my activities has caused me to second-guess even my most sure-footed choices now that the waters have calmed. The eerily calm medium of time has provided insight with which I never even expected to deal, much less contend. I don't regret my take-no-prisoners-and-deal-with-the-family-members-later attitude but I've come to realize that angry family members sure as hell can make a lot of noise when enough rally around a singular cause.
I make it sound as though I'm under a barrage of insults and persecution from apparitions from my past. If this is so, it is only self-induced. I often cut my joy short in fear of allowing someone else the opportunity to do so. I suppose my entire power trip has gone to such enormous lengths that I'm starting to play with lives instead of just tangible objects and imaginary cares. I've already begun to treat boys more like pawns in a chess game rather than human beings. It's all a matter of respect and I've learned to hold few things in reverence for the fear of the pain that comes when they fall from the light. This is normally a good thing, but it makes the pain increase tenfold when my few cherished objects do show their tarnish. I expect perfection from everything, realizing the entire time that this is impractical, yet it still pains me when I find the shortcomings whose existence I've tried so hard to deny.
In short, my ever increasing expectations of myself and the world around me are causing disillusionment, but I'm finally starting to learn how to mold both my attitude and the world so that things will work out.

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Perfectly Numb
Well this isn't so much of a rant as a plea for help. At least that's my intention as of this second. But sometimes intentions and expected reactions and all the rest of that bullshit that we're supposed to think about as we mature seems to be a bit cumbersome. Sometimes pausing to think about every last detail causes us to miss out on something really great. Mom's and Daddy's are usually right about most things but I'm still naive enough to realize that sometimes you just have to take things in context and go from there. A 22 year old Internet guy that I've known for one night is okay to be a little scared about, not because I don't trust him but because I no longer trust myself with those kind of decisions anymore. A 17 year old guy who I met through a friend might be a little bit more likely to be in my league. And so I go for whatever person my gut seems to be inclining toward, making the least amount of commitment possible but still enough that would count as making an effort, and I hope. And I think that's the main difference between the last year me and this year me. This year is the year of hope..of change...of embracing life instead of rejecting it. I'm dazzled at the whirl of colours that's constantly swirling in front of my eyes and it's not a drug induced thing so much as a breath of fresh air from the drudgery of depression and dependence. I no longer have to pass things off with a grain of salt about my OC. I no longer have the self doubt. I no longer have to settle in order to feel safe. I've tested my limits, learned my boundaries, repaired my scraped knees and now I know I'm able to fly. It's amazing how much self-doubt can do-both positive and negative. I think this is what they talk about when they speak of maturity. And I'm tired of hearing the naive lil kid speech. I'm tired of being told how I still have so much growing up to do. I KNOW THAT! I know it, you know it, we all know it, it's just that I've learned to accept just who I am at this particular moment and you're still standing there with your thumb up your ass, twirling away. Back in 8th grade when I used to pass off the negative comments with a "They're jealous of me" retort, I wasn't so convinced. Now it's hard convincing me otherwise. I have everything going for me and the people who have hurt me most are the ones who have had the most opportunity for jealousy. Pregnancies, compulsions, perfectionism, immaturity, hypocrisy, inadequacies; these are all factors in a game that seemingly only I have mastered. I know I still have a long way to go but I think about how far I've come in a relatively short amount of time and it's hard to think anything otherwise. I'm going to make it! I'm going to get out of here! I'm not going to end up at NKU or UK working a fast food job and living in my parents' basement once I graduate. I have fucking potential and the difference between me and them is that I'm going to use it! I'm going to prove them wrong. And this is why I know I still have a bit of maturing to do...I can still make such innocently naive statements and believe them, but that's only because I have no reason to doubt them right now. I CAN do anything I want and, if nothing else, this summer has served to prove that to me. It's helped me understand exactly what's important in life. Maybe religion isn't all it's cracked up to be, but it helps a lot of people. "Believe in something if it stops your suffering," and all of that. I think Angry Anymore could be the soundtrack title for this summer, or at least this writing. It's kind of amazing because this summer almost IS like a movie. I almost wish I could've gotten it on tape because then how cool would it have been to do a documentary with a soundtrack and everything? I could do it too. Even my musical tastes are expanding again and I've totally realized that there's more to life than Ani and NIN, yet I can still listen to SOAD and be totally in awe. I'm totally in love with my life and myself and I'm finally able to say that and not be scared of the consequences. I'm trying to make amends and keep in touch and help out when I can and just use all of my powers to the best of my ability and I think those are the important things in life. Comfortably numb? or just in a total utopia?

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I think the transformation is complete. My hair was the final piece of my collage that was needed for perfection. It was so amazing to walk through the mall today and have guys totally STARE at me. It's not just an aesthetic thing though. The waitress at Olive Garden not only complimented me but we shared a sort of bond because she was "alternative" too. I'm getting the reactions I've always dreamed of getting. People don't really look down on me, but they definitely look at me. I think my hair is now a perfect representation of my personality. I know that some people are disappointed in me; I know there's still a lot of flack left to receive, but it's all worth it to me. I'm becoming everything I've always dreamed instead of being the dad who stands on the sidelines and lives out his football dreams through his gifted son. I know Dad hates my hair but I think this will help him get used to the person I'm becoming and really have already become in a way. Everything in my life is executed in stages and I think this is no exception. Hell I even did the boyfriend thing in stages. First I had minute crushes then the obsessions then full blown love of someone I couldn't have and finally love of someone I could have. I have to work my way into everything. I can't just jump into a pool regardless of temperature because I know I can't handle the shock. I have to know exactly what to expect when I go into something and then I dive in full force. I think I learned this from my parents. I can never just go and do exactly what I want to do; I have to get them used to an idea and take baby steps until the desired effect is achieved. I did that with my clothes and my room and my friends and my entire life. And it's grand. It helps me because I don't come off looking like a poser and it gets me to set goals and perfect my ideas before I do them. I don't think my parents realize just how much planning goes into my life. But they're smart and I suppose they do. They're so much smarter than I give them credit for. That's how mom knows the things she knows and I guess it's also how she deals with it too. She's a strong woman and I hope one day I can be like her. Except for the kids thing. It's so amazing how much things have changed since I put a near-conscious effort into being an adult. Once I began thinking through things and analyzing situations it seems like my life just became a cake-walk. I think it's because I've gotten so in touch with my inner emotions. I listen to my heart, as corny as it sounds, and the "look out for number one" cliché has worked very well for me. I think the best way to make other people happy is to set an example and be happy yourself, so I just try to shine my brightest and hope my light hits people the right way. Sometimes I question whether I would like me if I met myself 6 months ago or a year ago. Sometimes I don't like the answer. But more and more I'm beginning to find that love of myself when I look in the mirror and I think it works. I guess it helps that I'm introspective enough to recognize my faults and place them under the glaring black light for all to see. If nothing else it helps lessen the blow of hypocrisy. The only slip up in this whole defense of character is the fact that normally when you find a personality flaw you're supposed to take steps to correct it. All I do is flaunt it to let everyone know that yes I know I'm wrong and there's nothing you can do to hurt my feelings about this. I change things when I'm done benefiting from them and sometimes that's far too late. I guess that's why I'm so worried (with good reason) about being conceited and arrogant. I've recognized my goddess status and I'm letting everyone know that I feel that way. It's going to get me some dirty looks but so does everything I do. I guess I just have to decide what's more important?.my happiness or what people think and I know the answer to that without even pondering it so I proceed with what I do. "This is what I've been wanting to say this whole time."~Far

---

This isn't so much of a rant as a diary entry but I figured it was most appropriately placed here....I just got back from my big weekend in Columbus and I'm on such a high right now! (Geez and I haven't even been smokin hahah) This weekend was absolutely perfect, from 2:10pm on Friday when I drove myself home like a big girl until the moment I walked in the door tonight. I was up there to go to the NIN concert, so it's totally expected that I should rant and rave about it, but for once this is a positive one. Friday I went out with Sandy and Becky and we saw High Fidelity. It's a great movie and I could really relate because of the shit that has gone down with Ty lately. Of course I find him in everything I do still, but a movie all about relationships and the "Top 5 Most Painful Breakups" is a dead giveaway. It was OK though because I've become so much more strong recently and I totally dealt with the situation maturely. The only icky part of the night was when I had to change the song "Without A Face" cuz of his jackass screen name. It was even good because I got to see Dustin for a little while that night as well. I'm getting good vibes about "us" again...but who knows where that will lead.
Anyway, the main point of this is to RAVE ABOUT NIN!!!!!!! Holy shit that concert was amazing. I was so glad that it wasn't a let down. Normally when I build things up in my head for a substantial time they are kind of a disappointment to some degree for me. Since I had been really wanting this for about 5 years now, I almost had myself convinced that it would be ok if this wasn't the most orgasmic thing ever. It's a good thing I didn't let myself be ready to be let down though because it was everything I ever dreamed and more. The only lowlights of the night were being dropped on my shoulders while crowd surfing and being smushed up hardcore in the front rows. The highlights were my first time crowd surfing, flirting with MAD HOT BOYZ!, and the entire atmosphere during "Hurt". Oh man you should've seen this. The entire arena was lit up with lighters while Trent was on stage writhing beautifully in the green and blue lights. There was a girl on her boyfriend's shoulders dancing with her arms stretched to the sky while the crowd surfers glided their way toward their idol. Everyone's attention was focused so wholely on Trent and the emotion in the room that it almost seemed unreal. It was sooo fucking cool.
Anyway, I'm doing much better now, mentally speaking, about everything, especially the breakup. I didn't think I'd recover this fast, and although it's been about a month and a half now, I figured it would take far longer than that for this wound to heal. I guess I can have a kind of sick satisfaction in knowing that he didn't cut so deep after all...that I'm more mature than he is....that I can fully flaunt my goddess self while he still mopes in his cloud of confusion and shyness. I'm having the last laugh, you bastard, and I intend on laughing for some time indeed. But as you can see.....I'm not totally over it yet. I figure I'm in my total hate mode right now and that's okay because it makes me look and feel less pathetic and it's helping me use this entire thing to my advantage so much more.

---

Written the night after the breakup
Ty,
If I could see you I would kiss you. Would that be OK? Or would you push me away? I shared my life with you and I'm sorry if I talked too long or came on too strong. I just didn't know how to hold you. I was wrong...I was wrong. I love you and I miss you. That's all I need to say. I just wish I could've told you-heart to heart, face to face. THere's nothing I'd love more than to see you; to touch you one last time. But I know that's the last thing that you want, so I'll just quietly say goodbye.
Please don't get lost. Keep within reach.
Love,
Brandie

---

"am i real and what do i feel? hate is half a heart."~frente
and i'm writing this cuz he did and i want to always keep up. i owe him one already (a lot more than one) but i like to pretend that i can catch up with him at any time. he doesn't know how much of an advantage he has over me. i don't think i'll help him realize just yet. i wonder if he realizes how much i would give up for him if he asked. i wonder if he realizes that he really is everything to me. i feel guilty with him. i don't deserve him. i get the feeling that he would give up anything for me and do anything for me and i know i am so unworthy. i don't deserve him at all. he wrote for me. because i told him to. he doubted his beliefs. because i told him to. he's slowly giving up the small things i secretly complained about because he wants to see my smile. do i read too much into things? or am i realizing what true love really is? there are so many reasons for guilt with him but somehow i've convinced myself that all of it is healthy. except perhaps the guilt from greed. but the guilt because he gives so much and kisses so gently and blushes so sweetly and breathes so hard and gives so freely and hesitates so shyly and feels the same agony that i do when we're apart-i do love him. and i love him because he makes fun of me and i love him because he knows exactly when to NOT make me feel like shit. i love him because he listens and i'd love to hear from him more. i love him because he knows when to let me go and because he's so damn accepting. i never thought i'd find someone who could love me for me. the me that isn't reaching, isn't straining, isn't pretending or even changing. just me natural. he loves me enough to let me go and maybe it's just because that's the only way he knows how to be but that's another reason why i love him. he doesn't know how and he wants to and he's so damn willing to learn that it makes me want to cry. we were basically on the same level when we started-but i feel so dirty-so impure when i'm with him because his emotions are so unhindered-so beautifully freely flowing and pure. perhaps beautifoolish since it's me but i will never complain. i gave up. i trust him. and i know that it will always be worth it. but will i know that tomorrow?

---

Human nature and human instinct are two different things with two different dispositions. I believe that people in general are selfish and generally evil. However, by some fluke, human instinct-gut reactions-are generally externally concerned and good. It seems that everyone knows, whether by mommy or their first grade teacher or Mr. Rogers, that when tragedy strikes, you're supposed to be concerned with how it affected someone else, not how it affects you. Before you check to make sure your balls are still there, you try to look ever everyone else's. However, after the split-second kneejerk reaction, you grab your balls and either smile that they're there or sob at their absence. That seems to be the dominant feeing, yet the feeling we try to hide the most. Those prevalent feelings seem to be the feelings that we mention and smile, like it's more of a joke than what we really feel. The initial reaction is the good human instinct. The lasting feelings are the selfish "evil" ones that are assumed to be human nature because no one cares to change what they think they are hiding.

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When everything that I want is so bad for me, what do I do? I know that these things are wrong. Can't the heart be controlled? Have I no self-discipline? I'm so confused. Torn between what is right for them, what is right for me, and what I want. I want to be free. I want to live in a world without consequences. But it won't happen. I know what I want. But I know it will only hurt me. I'm afraid to love. I'm afraid to feel. Yet I can't help but continue to do it. I keep setting myself up just to get knocked down. I act like I have everything under control. I act like I know what I want! But I'm even more confused than everyone else because I actually think. What am I doing? What do I want? What is gonna help me? These things fill my head. Who am I really? Am I happy? Am I needed? Such unimportant things to everyone else yet they ring through my head. I say I don't care what people think, but I do. I may not change for what people think, but I do care because I need people. I can do a lot of things but I can't make it alone. I need support. I need someone to either cheer me on or laugh at me or smack me and tell me to shut the hell up. I need something. I can't be lonely. I just can't survive that. I've been relatively alone my entire life and I just can't handle it any more. I need approval from some one. I can't just say "fuck everyone" because I do care, more than I'd like to. But does it matter what I want? Only to me it seems. Everyone is caught up in themselves, including me. This entire world is about ME ME ME! Theres no compassion. No emotion. Just fulfill my needs, my dreams. We can't see anyone but ourself. And it drives me crazy. And whenever we try to reach out, we get pushed away. We get pushed aside because we're looking outside of the safe comfort zone of ME. This every man for himself bullshit is eating away at our insides but it's the only way to stay safe. And safety...it's good. It's home. The only home we have. And we never go out and try anything different because that's unsafe and heaven forbid we take a risk. ugh.

---

And how weird is it that I'm happy? What kind of new feeling is this? Not just contentedness, but really fucking happy. I feel like a dove or something, where i rock back on my heels and stroke my chest and coo. Damn, visions of bambi are flashing through my head. But I can't describe how nice things are right now. I thought this level was off limits. I'm really a rather simple organism. My needs are just slightly different than most in my species. But once I get just the minimal amount of a requirement I'm good to go. If I were a car, it would be like running on fumes. But it doesn't matter cuz i'm speeding down the highway right now, totally oblivious to anything that is behind me. For once I'm refusing to allow any road to affect me other than the tiny piece that i'm occupying right now. And I'm free.

---

Well I'm not in the best of moods today, which is actually against the norm lately. I hadn't been depressed at school before today but I guess the newness has worn off and slowly I'm slipping back into the same rut I dug for myself last year. At least people were surprised to see me grouchy today. A few could hardly believe that I was on the verge of tears for most of last year. I guess that's good because I haven't really been forcing it.
I don't know what's going on with me right now. I'm feeling really hollow. Maybe I'm missing God. A funny but true quote I found online once said "Depression is just anger without enthusiasm." I can't think of anything more true right now. I'm angry, but at nothing. Here comes the sadness without cause again. I'm so pitiful. What a whiny little snot. Oh poor me. I'm all alone. Look at my beautiful house, my Leave It to Beaver family, my perfect health, my perfect little town and perfect little school and Fuck! Why can't I be happy? I'm so ungrateful! Why can't I be happy? Am I really like this? Or have I convinced myself that my life is truly horrible?

---

But seriously...who cares any more? Who cares about anything? How many people are willing to give their life for someone or something? That's caring. That's devoting. People notice things. They take not of them and sometimes even react. But do they care? Would they sacrifice their life or their money or whatever is most important to them just so that others can feel what they feel? Are they willing to give up everything to preserve something? Words such as caring and loving and hating and needing have been diluted and distorted. People think that they mean it when they say "I love you" or "I need this" but they have no idea what that even means any more. Lust, dislike, acknowledge, and wanting-those should be what goes in place of the strong words we use. In such a laid back, indifferent world, how can anyone understand those words? In an inattentive, unpassionate world where cries of any type of emotion are silenced to prevent nonconformity and disruption, how can people claim to feel so strongly? Who cares?

---

He assumes that we've all gazed back and thought about what might have been. He assumes we've made a decision we regret, or at least question. I am the exception. (It seems like I feel that a lot more than I actually am...) I can't recall a single decision I have consciously made that I regret. I've done some ebarrassing things and said things I shouldn't have. But I refuse to even consider that I would take them back. Everything I do is a part of me. I am totally happy with who I am (not always my situation but that's sometimes out of my control) To say that I would change something that I've done in the past is to essentially deny that it was a piece of me at the time. It's saying I want to change who I am. Who I was directly influenced who I am and to change that would mean a totally new result now. Being myself is sometimes a pain in the ass-the unneeded self-induced pain through empathy and want. However I would be totally unhappy if it were any other way. I would be them. Why should I be what I hate?

---

I am sad once again. I am hopeful that this will end soon. I am content with letting other people speak for me as long as I like what they are saying. I am made up of pieces of everyone I come in contact with. I am not remembering things accurately. I am holding on too tightly. I am grasping and groping blindly. I am turning away from those I love because I know that it matters to them. I am chasing my tail. I am dangerously close to the edge. I am not sure how far the drop is. I am breaking the rules. I am sorry. I am getting attention when I don't need it. I am vain. I am stuck up. I am disillusioned. I am amazed by people. I am searching for a way to avoid everything. I am a slave to my emotions. I am pretending that I'm still a child. I am throwing away some of my old masks. I am too proud. I am aiming too high. I am accepting how slowly things move. I am questioning instead of appreciating. I am behind schedule.

---

I am in a constant state of near achievement. I am noticing how tiny and childish my arms looks against this book. I am realizing how tiny and childish I look in this world. I am trying to convince myself that I have something figured out when deep down I know that I am unsure about everything. I am taking pride in the fact that I am open-minded. I am hating my flexibility and ability to be swayed by a decent argument. I am so confused. I am looking for help and finding it and realizing it doesn't make me feel better. I am tired of being cynical. I am tired of searching. I am tired of false hopes. I am tired of let downs. I am tired of talking about the same damn thing OVER AND OVER. I am insecurity. I am laughing at "them" because they laugh for all the wrong reasons. I am lighting a candle because it looks empty without the flame. I am jealous of that candle because it is now fulfilled and I am not. I am jealous of its power. I am pretending to be a lot deeper than I really am. I am tired of me.

---

Seems like I'm crying once per week now. I was set off again and my tiny speck cannot deal with one more molecule of frustration. I exploded onto Mom and she exploded back onto me and I hope he was PRAYING to his god when he heard my sobs. This is the hardest I've cried in a while. My head aches. It makes me sick to look inside me right now, because I know that this hatred is so unbridaled, so pure- absolute loathing that it scares me. This is raw. I'm dangerously close to the edge again. Everything about this situation makes me sick. It makes me sick to think how utterly petty this entire thing is. It really terrifies me to think of what I would do to him given the chance and no consequences. It disgusts me to know that Dave doesn't have a dad and I'm wasthing these precious second feeling these nasty gagging feelings. It just completely boggles my mind that a human being could make someone cry and NOT CARE. When I saw Elicia crying, it tore me up. I didn't do a damn thing, but I wanted to do everyting in my power to make the pain go away. It absolutly pained me to see it and I didn't even cause her tears. I cannot comprehend how someone could consciously provoke those feelings and still live with themselves. All in the name of Christ as well. Our good little COMPASSIONATE Christian. Who do I call out to now? No one. I turn inward and dig deeper for inner strength I'm not sure is to be found. But it keeps me occupied as I run for higher ground.

---

What a Longview day. "When masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking lazy." Well here I sit in the clothes that I slept in last night. No shower today. No teeth brushed. And boring masturbation. I'm feeling so washed out. I feel like I've been drifting listlessly in the Dead Sea for days. Now I'm bloated and salty and burned. My damn obsessions. My damn lack of entertainment. Used to be able to keep myself entertained for hours with little pieces of metal. Now I can barely tolerate the thought of sitting here by myself for one more minute. My room reeks of pussy. That's all I can do to keep my heart beating. Now they know everything. They've pulled off my mask. Oh they know they know they know. What a tremendously relieving shit down my throat. I can't deal with anyone. But I want them to look at me and say "Everyone should be in love with you." Isn't that what everything's about? Having someone to love you? Doesn't everything in the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD revolve around love or lack of it? I can't take this complete lack of emotion. No reaction is the worst kind. Oh so pretty. So precious and fragile and fucked. I can't even sleep because it doesn't make it go away. No where to run. This boredom has superglued itself to my ass. I guess I've been trying to smother it. And I wish I had some great duty to run off to. I wish I had run out of time to procrastinate. Nothing to look forward to. Countdown to shit. Take this idle mind and make it something good. Please oh please. Make it something.

---

I've realized my life is going to shit. I have nothing to hang on to. All around me the walls are slowly caving in and I'm not even looking for an escape. I just sit here in the chaos and say "At least I'm having fun. At least the view is nice. At least I'm not that wall. It's crumbling. It's on the ground." I keep thinking that I have something and yet I know that I'm too scared to open my hand and look because I know I'll see nothing. I used to cling to God in times like this. I used to find comfort in the fact that there was light at the end of this tunnel and that these times were just trials to make me stronger. I don't have that hope anymore. Is it that I know better now? Am I really so faithless that I believe that this is all there will ever be. This can't be it. Yet I live my life like it is. I live my life like there is no tomorrow because I'm not so sure I'm going to like what tomorrow brings. I used to know. But I convinced myself that we are assured nothing. You have to actively seek any good or bad that comes into your life. It makes me want to stay locked up in my room forever. Then no one could touch me, hurt me, help me, lie to me, love me, trust me, scare me, consume me, need me. I do not want this. All I want to do is go to a place where I don't need and I don't want. I've convinced myself that I'm a lot stronger and deeper and safer than I really am. It scares me to think how little I really do have. What can I really depend on that I haven't pushed away? Why do I spend my life longing for something I can never touch? I have these big ideas that certain relationships and certain possessions will bring me happiness. I can't seem to deal with the fact that happiness comes from within. I know why. It's because I'm scared that if I do turn to myself then I will find that nothing is there. Then I'll know and I'll have less than nothing left. Nothing is yourself. If you don't have you-you're fucked. You're less than fucked. I fear that everyone has more happiness than me. What a thing to miss out on. Once again I blame it on relationships. It seems that everyone has found someone but me. Maybe not a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship, but SOMETHING. Some kind of love or acceptance. So I've convinced myself that a relationship is the ticket to happiness and I dream of something I can never have. I always pick the people who are just out of my grasp. Maybe it's because I've always been told that I can have anything I want and do anything I want. Fuck capabilities. I think I need limits. But I am blaming again. It's hard for me to take responsibility for the one thing that I think I have control over-myself. But who gives a fuck right? Tomorrow this will all be forgotten and I'll be back to shallowly happy Brandie. What a great thing to look forward to.

---

I figured out some time ago that being in a relationship won't make me complete and content. However, I still pined for one, just as something. Just as a hold over. I do need affection and attention and I thought that's why I long for a relationship. But I've decided that I was wrong. There is no such thing as a general human nature. It is my own nature to want, to desire, to yearn. The craving isn't a piece of my soul, it is my soul. Without the unobtainables in my life, where would I be? Or most importantly, who would I be? Brandie=want. Very simple equation, one I should have figured out long ago. I was under the impression that Brandie + (guy, money, whatever)=content or perhaps Brandie + love=happy Now I have seen the restrictions on this problem. Brandie < happiness. It is filling to my soul to want someone I can't have. Subconsciously I choose those people who I know I can't have because if I found someone I could get, then the entire desire thing would be messed up. I need to be on a wild goose chase. I need to know that I can use this crutch for however long is needed. To have anything mutual would destroy the whole balance. So by being unhappy due to a longing, I should find a tiny bit of happiness in knowing that I am fulfilling my current destiny. Sad satisfaction. Acceptance.

---

I'm so happy. But there's still a hole. I can't identify the shape or location but I can feel its presence all the same. Or should I say lack of presence? Anyway, I'm pleased to find that I'm still a bit unfulfilled. Had I caught myself saying that a few months ago, I would've laughed and decided I had really lost it. But once again I've come to the realization that everything has a distinct purpose. The hole allows me something to strive for. My life is pointless sans goals. I'm pleased to find that due to the existence of this hole, I am still able to form goals and strive for them. This hole is unlike others because my knowledge of its existence is not causing unhappiness. Only smug satisfaction in knowing I'm still functioning. (I was afraid I'd lost it all.) But it's back to business as usual now. I'm a bit amazed at how pleased I am to be going to work. But when you've been unemployed and hungry, it's a nice change to know you're earning money. And I'm so happy.

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Putting the Pieces back in the Box

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:42:16 GMT

Sad but true -- the song "last resort" has held some degree of meaning to me lately. It seems that my life has truly travelled the full-circle that comes with self-knowledge and yet the path has been so long and treacherous that I can feel nothing but relief to see my little sign reading (Mile 0). Since I gave up my belief in the Bible, since I accepted myself as my own god; I have been constantly trying to disassemble my new beliefs to prevent any form of superstition from sneaking in. I wanted to make sure that my new set of belifs were simply morals and not doctrines. However, as I'm prone to do, I've looked to others to set me straight. Since I lost respect for all outside sources when I proclaimed myself queen, I simply passed off the non-believers as heretics and moved on, leaving most of my former life swining by a creaky rope. What I failed to realize is that all of my psycho-analysis was simply leading me closer to "figuring out" myself. The set of footprints I have been following since I first stepped out of the church into the blindness of soul searching are my own. I've been trying not to self-destruct in my whole defusion process, but when you proclaim yourself God, yet are always questioning the higher powers, something is bound to trigger an explosion. In retrospect, i realize what a bumbling child I was -- searching for acceptance but still not truly finding it within myself. No wonder I was amusing! No wonder I had the feeling people were laughing! As someone who probably really was on the verge of slipping from reality completely, that was the strongest strand I could cling to without entirely disassembling myself in one sitting. Utnil that day, the climax of my entire adolescence, I had simply been trying to prove myself wrong. Because I'm just as imperfect as the rest, and because my reasoning is still developing, my view of the world has changed daily with my view of myself. Egos like hairdos and such. As I began my ultimate fight with Grendel, I came in cocky and easily blew the pussy away. What I didn't realize is that Big Momma would be there waiting for me. I suppose that right now, I'm still unsure of just how ready I am to take on that monster, so I'm just searching for my sword that will help me conquer a seemingly inpenetrable beast. I know that there is still one more battle to follow -- but I'm hoping that this one will be the last for many years. I'm tired of living in fast-foward. I'm tired of constantly having to pause to reflect before I get the jokes. I want to be quick like a ninja. I want to be feared and loved and loathed and accepted. I want to be a superhero. I want to rule it all iwth mitten-clothed hands. I want to sing accapella and yet still keep the piano close enough that I can check my notes. I want to speak and be heard and have my podium to beat on and hide behind any time I choose. I can handle it now. I want to loom.

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:41:41 GMT

Every time I get to a point where I am supposed to pull over, count the coins in my pocket, clean off my dusty sunglasses and say "Wow, all of this is mine? It all belongs to me? The sun and clouds and birds and even the distant mountain peaks -- I get it all??"; I can't bring myself to gush. I get overwhelmed when I look back at the dusty road with a single set of tire tracks and circling vultures and glaring haze and skimpering tumbleweed and a crooked rusty sign designating what used to be a gas station and i can only say "This is all that's mine? After all these years of labour and toil, and hours behind the wheel and gas money -- this is all I"ve managed to gather?"
I am one of the few left who is trying to build an empire. What I've gotten so far is not bad, but it will never be enough. The sun never sets on all that I've acquired, but why can't I seem to find the land where it never rains and is always green?
Dear God, I've wandered long enough and I found the Way all by myself. I've paid for my sin and the ones I've caused. Now, will you PLEASE just let me back in? I'm cold- I miss the beautiful naive days of nudity and purity. Please God, let me come home. Love, Eve
But my name has been distorted and my eyes are swollen shut and I'll never even be able to find the gates to Hell again, much less Eden.
I wanna know why I am unable to settle. It seems as though I"ve been able to dispense of every single piece of advice ever given to me by both myself and others -- except the one that I least needed to hear : "Don't accept and NEVER settle for less than the best." What the fuck?! There *is* no best, just a rough approximation based on a derived formula calculted with archaic tools of measurement. The pictures I drew in my head of what "The Best" should be were developed at a time when I was still too young to understand what kind of wild goose chase I was setting myself up for. Why can't I fucking take it back; or at least scrap those blue prints and try again on a fresh piece of paper? "There's more bad blood in this bar than there is beer...and it sucks and I want out of here." -Egos Like Hairdos Why why why why WHY do I have to blame the riotous uprisings in my belly on the uneducated villagers? Why am i forced to take myself with a grain of salt just cuz I'm too bitter to be swallowed alone? I'm NOT a fucking pizza and I stopped trying and I"m sorry if I hurt your feelings but I bet it's cuz you've hurt mine and I know I take things too seriously but it's only cuz no one takes me seriously enough and I JUST WANT TO BE ENRAGED WITHOUT EVERYONE THINKING I'M FULL OF RAGE and I want to hear the people that love me scream and tell me while they still have time instead of taking me for granted until I'm just another Thanksgiving Day tragedy.
Is it really so much to ask that the person I share my most intimate times with be willing--volunteering to tell me I'm beautiful? Why is a compliment so hard to give? I'm learning every day to suspect them less -- and I guess that has something -- everything-- to do with the fact taht I"m recieving them less. Am I becoming used to it -- callous as I've been told -- and therefore people just don't bother? Or are they just getting used to me -- underappreciated so I tell myself -- and finding less to comment on? I want to feel as perfect as I do when I'm alone even when others are around. I don't want to take for granted the things that I truly desire and maybe even need. And I don't EVER want people to think that because they feel they can see through me that they know what I want and am and feel. You don't even know the real me.

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:39:44 GMT

Tried to save myself but myself kept slipping away.....Where did you come from? Where did you go?....Life is an aimless drive that you take alone. Might as well enjoy the ride, take the long way home.....
I've been reading Kabuki again and therefore want to make pictures from my words, with my words, instead of my words, but words are all I ever have.
I feel a horrible empty hole
in place of my soul
and there's no turning back
only turning inward, to face the black
and come out with something new
removing pieces to become whole again
reducing the size of the picture
to fit in the smaller frame
leaving only the essentials
clearer image
i feel so alone -- and that doesn't hurt quite so much as the fact that it's self-imposed. i look at the world thru glaucoma eyes
((at this point i was playing with the thesaurus and just jotting down words i liked....the list is the result))
lowness, drooping, heaviness of heart (lock is weighing me down), disgust of life, melancholy and the infinite sadness (RIP Smashing Pumpkins), despondancy, disconsolateness, prostration of soul, lament (but what?), French words: malade imaginaire, triste, blase, panseroso, desole, look like a drowning man (not drowning but waving), withering, lugubrious (I don't know what it means but it's a nice word), lachrymose(same), pensive (like greg), woebegone, SEDATED, lackadaisical, jaundiced, heartsick, inconsolable (why?), overcome (washing away all that's left of me), the heart sinking within me, oh my lords...hear my lament
personal afflictions -- i can feel my heart wringing, not breaking but dissolving and it physically hurts. see my furrowed brow?-my shortness-gasping for breath? oh help, but who do i cry out to now? now that i've pushed all the possible sources of assistance away i can only help myself now -- and only i can do it. my days of audiable cries for help have silpped away with the blue lipstick, Nirvana shirts, public mourning, amplified agony -- all the things that used to give me a warm feeling are gone and now, the one thing i have left, myself -- that's slipping away, too. i hate who i've become -- and yet i don't hate mseyfl. i'm entirely torn between yearning for the future and embracing every second of life, and hating the daily agony and dreading the pain that inevitably follows. it feels like each thing i face and conquer only allows room for a larger and more imposing beast to squeeze in. THERE'S NO MORE FUCKING ROOM IN HERE YOU BASTARDS! GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!
you look like shit, what's your problem bitch? your legs feel like sand paper. you can't do anything right.
my only comfort is the ever decreasing number of days left of school. we're down to about 75 and that's damn encouraging because i'm entirely convinced that school is entirely to blame for every time i'm brought down. i never feel this horrible on my own account.
it feels like my relapses are getting a little bit worse each time. i try to shove it under for longer and longer. the old wounds havent even healed entirely when i recieve a new blow to throw me off course again. i'm in quicksand and losing energy fast because i dont even want to fight anymore. i only sink further. this hurts. gotta get away from me 12-21-00
Ah yes, three days til Christmas. I've been dreading it, and bitching, and moaning, and whining, and pretty much gone into the Holiday Season like Garfield goes through his front door...with my legs and arms sticking straight out, and screaming to everything holy to just MAKE IT STOP! I've been in a bit of self-loathing lately as my mind and body sunk into a pit of listlessness, and my entire self-image seemed the melt like the dirty charcoaled snow that is crusted on my floormats. Since I left my job at Harry's, I've finally had time to relax, get some rest, focus on the 'important stuff' and all that bullshit. What was meant to be a month long vacation chock-full of excitement and glory has disintegrated into an annoyingly increasingly lengthy bout of unemployment. My job with Anis, shakey to begin with, has been put on "I'll call you one day" status; and this has left me utterly broke. I'm scraping for change to buy Christmas presents; and even that is a total hassle since the whole 3 people I plan on buying for want and need nothing, and deserve everything. Not a single person in the family, besides Ryan, is getting anything. I feel horrible about it, but there's not much that can be done. But money seems to be the least of my concerns. It is the entire lack of motivation and activities which has really crippled me lately. I've gotten by on spare change and loved it, but the idea that I don't really have to get by, that I'm not doing anything that requires any money in the first place...now that just sucks. It seems that a combination of an increasing lack of energy and a decreasing amount of enthusiasm for shows has left me with no social scene whatsoever. My life has pretty much boiled down to sitting in Josh's living room. And I've been recognizing my own responsibility in all of this, but I've had no overpowering desire to change it, only enough to whine and make myself miserable about it. Tonight, I've decided that things will change. I'm excited, for the first time, about this Christmas break. Already things are lining up for me to do, things for me to look foward to, and the New Year is coming! As petty and silly as it seems to be all worked up over a number in the calender flipping over, I am. It's the new fucking century, new millenium, and a new page in this tired book of La vie de Mireille (m'appelle en francais). I'm making up for lost time in these last few days to wrap up loose ends that should've been tied off or cut off or burned off or gnawed off AGES ago. It seems that I keep doing this over and over again this year: I slip into a mini-depression, I realize I need to change something but I don't know what, I stop sleeping because of it, and then I realize what was wrong the whole time -- I'd been getting TOO MUCH sleep!! I keep telling myself that the pressure of having low fuel..the proverbial candle under my ass is what keeps me breathing and singing and happy, yet I always seem to forget it when I'm down in the shitter. Well, I've been up all night, making plans and thinking and deciding and reflecting, and I know now that I definately need to STOP sleeping and start partying again, just in time for New Years no less! Ahh well. Here goes nothing...

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:39:20 GMT

I'm here at OSU orientating and realizing just how close I am to finally getting what I really really want. To be gone. To disappear. I told mom today that my plan for at least the first few months is to be a wallflower. I'm tired of acting and performing and putting myself out on the table to be disected so I'm gonna take the low rode and see how things go. I'm tired of having huge webs of friends with no one to even call my own. But the tides, they are a changing and all I can say is..I can't wait at all.
There's so much to do, see, feel and be here and I could never explain it and don't really want to try. The high school bullshit is over..and I don't know where my life is heading, but I have a feeling it's going to be amazing. I know there's no way for me to leave this place unchanged, and that's exactly what I've always wanted. I'm here by Mirror Lake right now, and I want the water to rush over me, cleanse my wounds and make me whole again. I can feel it and I see the transparent bubbles...containers of life...and I hope one day I can be enveloped by them, feel their dry air, and be free.

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:38:57 GMT

I came out here to write. To relieve my soul cuz I feel like it's chokc full of a bunch of grime right now and I'm really ready to let it all go. I've completely wasted this trip brooding and burying myself in another world by reading some stupid book. I didn't even allow myself to enjoy this. I feel like I was a waste of money and time and resources. I'm not appreciative of what I've been given. Why can't I be happy, sitting on a tropical island - heading off to college - taken or single - employed or jobless...
I'm pathetic.
I'm watching the frothy waves crash against the looming black rocks on the shore, listening to Weezer sing to Velouria on the Pixies tribue album. My body is tan, my belly is not empty, I'm not cold and not hot...what else should I need? I have people who care for me, sometimes too much. People to listen and play with me. What else do I need?
I've quit smoking, quit doing drugs, drink only occasionally and rarely alone, have a nice slew of options in the sexual area -- so this isn't about the condition of my body. Unless the slew of sexual options is what's bringing me down, and I highly doubt that.
Maybe I'm missing intimacy. Maybe I no longer feel truly connected with anyone. Maybe it bothers me that I'm always the one making the calls -- stopping by -- hunting things out. Always the searcher--never the pursued. But I doubt even that is what is truly bothering me. I've gotten my privacy and yet can go see people any time I please. I think what's really dragging me down is my entire lack of identity now. I used to be somebody. Now I feel like I'm just drifting along -- without effort, without resistance -- yet with nothing gained. I used to have all these adjectives for myself. I used to haev all these great stories to tell. I used to be more than just BambiIsABoy or that scenester.
I'm approaching my 1 year anniversary in Punk Rock Kingdom. Woo. I've aged an entire year listening to the screaming, drunken antics -- the bullshit philosophies and pointless bickerings. I've dyed my hair to the point of destruction, had a broken nose, lost my makeup and contacts and drug habits, stopped shaving my legs and showering as frequently, downsized my wardrobe, become physically bound to my Doc Martins, and developed a mean drinking/sex ability that will surely haunt me through college, even if I do manage to grow out of punk rock.
On the upside, I've met more different types of people than I ever believed existed, made out with a homeless guy, tried lots of new drinks, learned how to really make a dollar go a long way, lost all my venomous pride and most of my shame -- and had a lot of fun. Woo. It's not done yet.
I've given up a lot and received little in this past year, ubt I think a clean slate might be more important than anything I could've gained. I hope college is worth it. I hope I can learn what true, unbridaled happiness is there, but I doubt it. And I don't know if I really want it anyway. I'd just be uneasy. There's lots to do and little time.
Hey, ho, let's go.
chugga chugga oi.

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tribute to the doors, colby, chris, radiohead, and faeries

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:37:35 GMT

the absence of a moral to the story
leaves me with restless dreams
and angry sleep
as i try to create a purpose in my mind

confused identities
unaware of predestined personalities
we struggle on
smiling despite the voices saying
"you're wrong,
you're.................................................................................
..........wrong!"
don't we know any better?

those are not your CDs
young man
don't you see what shirt you're wearing?

don't smile
little girl
ain't you ever seen a belt?
(we know you have)

we rise
we
f
a
l
l
trying to find our niche
our clique
our warm fuzzy space
with the pink fuzzy dice
and power windows
solar powered
but i like to hide from the sun

i stayed out all night those nights. warm nights when even nothing was too
much. and i smoked like it was a prayer cuz we all wanted to die young. the mosquitoes
bit in places i couldn't tell mommy and we laughed until the tears began. then
they didn't want me anymore. as i danced in the star light, face towards the
sky, always laughing, i left myself. now that i'm back, it's cold.
but as beautiful and weightless as those nights were...I can't wait
to see snow.

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:37:00 GMT

her weight dwindles as she begins to soar
and gravity loses its' hold on all earthly things
she floats closer and closer to the stars
laughing
laughing
laughing
and reaching out with childlike hands
until the sun and the moon
heaven and earth
even god herself
lie within her grasp
her eyes shine with joy as the wings gently push through her back
she expected it.
now everything is attainable
as she darts from speck to speck of shiny glitter
she shrieks and smiles and yearns to share the elation with those she left behind
and as she floats back down to the earth
she holds the experience close in her heart
to be shared with her true love.

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:36:27 GMT

Note: written post-breakup. it's not good but i was asked to write a "gothic poem" and this was the best i could do at the time. take it with a grain of salt

I'm a fucking failure
I tried
played the game with my entire dead little heart
and lost it all on a flip of a coin
he loves me not
I still love him so much that it hurts
and he hurts me more and more every single second
I wish i could just hold him
tell him once more while he was still mine
how much i loved him and exactly the reasons why
i don't know how i could've done any more to make him happy
i served him with everything that i knew how
body, mind, heart and soul
but he slipped away like grains of sand
i kiss him goodbye
rub his neck sweetly
and wave farewell to my last breath
he was my life

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:35:39 GMT

some days are
hot butter sliding off mamaws's
thanksgiving rolls-fresh from the oven
and all of that
and i glide through them
oblivious to the raging jungle
both inside and out
i slide through, cocooned
by the gooey piss yellow warmth
and i feel nothing
my belly is full
other days i wake up screaming
frantic flight of a bird caught in
a supermarket
I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
those who care enough
try to trap me
with their tiny nets
but i evade the freedom and comfort of the outside world
suspicious of their intent
those days could be crushed by a baby's breath
my desperate searches for anything real
leave me sullen and dejected
as i slump from room to room, place to place
i dream of escape
then realize it's nowhere

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:31:33 GMT

"It's Friday," she thought, smiling. "Friday and then Spring Break." The vacation was greatly needed by students and faculty alike.
She caught herself preparing to think about him again and gently scolded her mind to a new topic. No need to ruin the calm with such thoughts.
"Don't worry," she told herself, "you'll find plenty to do. You get your license on Monday (just in time!) and your life will bounce back before you know it. Does convincing myself to NOT think about him count as thinking about him?" she wondered. To be on the safe side, she changed her train of thought again.
She thought first about how nice her nap had been. Although the English teacher had interrupted her delicate slumber, she was fully refreshed and feeling almost poetic. The first topic that crossed her mind was the old cliche of now being the time of her life. This was one of those rare days when she was forced to agree. Even though she had been rudely awakened by her alarm clock at 6:03am, the sun was beginning to rise and she did the same with ease. Now she dwelled upon the idea that, even though she disliked school, it at least allowed you to sleep, unlike work.
"I dread getting a real job," she mused. "I wish that I could just stay here forever. I have no responsibilities, no worries. I don't want to have to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. I barely know what I want to do with it today."
But she did know and was pleased to have plans. Since he had left her she had been struggling to keep herself entertained, but she actually had a full plate this weekend.
"The grass is so pretty," she thought. "I can barely even begin to describe the sky." Then she laughed at herself. She didn't have to! She realized that she was pretending that her life was a movie again. This was something that she had done even as a child. "It's a good thing that it's not a movie because no one would want to see it. Hah! Maybe they would fall asleep."
Sleep-it sounded good to her again. She rested her pale chin on the cool granite window sill and felt the warmth of the sun upon her face again. As the gentle springlike breeze blew the pleasant smell of grass inside, she knew sleep would not be appropriate. Now was a time to relish life and feel joy in the simple things.
"I wish I never had to leave this spot," she thought. "No, not exactly. Right now I'm practically in prison. But if only this window opened a little wider and Mrs. Halloway would just look away...I could be out in the warm grass and dancing in the breeze. I wish I could be barefoot right now. I wish I were in one of those cars. I wish those cars would stop drowning out the bird's simple song. I wish I were in college.
"College will be so different. I have a lot of advice to give to Sammy before I go. I wonder how he'll be when he's a junior. I hope he's big and strong and attractive. I hope he's successful. I hope he becomes everything I'm not.
"I wonder if he'll write me letters asking my advice when I'm in college. It would be really neat to get long letters from him. I would open up my consistantly empty mailbox and one day a little piece of home would be waiting for me."
Brenda marvelled at how fast her life was going to be moving in the approaching years. Next year would be her final one as a resident in the small town that she had lived in her whole life. Although it was nice to have familiarity, she felt plain as well.
"Chicago is going to be amazing," she thought. "I know it'll be hard for a naive country girl like me to adjust, but I can't wait." She took comfort in her newly formulated plan that would allow her to reside in the largest city of her home state for a year before fulfulling her dream of moving to Chicago.
As the last seconds of class slipped away, Brenda packed up her belongings. "This, this is good enough," she whispered.

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:30:59 GMT

and none of us sleep too soundly
anymore
the days of peaceful slumber
have been pushed behind
with Kris Kross, African necklaces, and Hammer pants
in lieu of all the "important" things that maturity brings
independence, babies, stress, caffiene pills, terror
usually it's worth it and tonight is no exception
but i wonder if you could possibly be so happy as i?
are you running or keeping a steady pace?
am i?
but these questions no longer keep me up at night
i know you can't say the same
you want to share everything with me now
cuz you care
and i appreciate it
we can take turns feeling superior
i love the comfort here
this is my home

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:30:34 GMT

i voted today
i sold 'em my soul
i endorsed their evils,
trampled my own rights,
put on a blindfold;
all for the hope that they might help me fight my fights.

I said -- I approve,
Despite the lies and the games,
Cuz I'm powerless and desperate.
My voice is so small. They have microphones.
And I just can't quit.

I said -- You've done some bad things,
Said things I'd not even like to hear,
and sold your soul.
And it's not fair:
I have no choice.
But out of all the choices, I'd rather you have the role.

It's sad that it's come to this point
Lesser of the two evils
Picking the one we dislike the least
Choosing one to spite the other
and I wonder, do I really have a choice?
Where is my promised feast?

We keep hoping and hoping
One day all the wishes will come true
And we'll find that magical situaion to make us say,
This is it, what I'm waiting for!
But I keep waiting.
In the meantime, I VOTED TODAY.

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Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:30:05 GMT

well he went and did it
he questioned my writing,
after admitting he doesn't really like poetry anyway,
And who the fuck is he?!?!?
wait
he's my guy
he has every right
why am i so defensive about this?
it was a simple question, you see
"hey brandie, how come everything you write starts out with
'what am i doing here?'"
and i got as unoffended as i could
despite feeling like it was direct attack on me
(after all, to question my writing is like questioning
my thoughts, and let's not get into that)
and i explained to him simply,
thru gritted teeth,
"dear, it's because i think that a lot.
and they don't all start out like that anyway.
there's, like, one."
"two," he said. "just now when i was going through
your purse, i saw that question about 12 times
on different scraps of paper."
after bickering about the idea of rephrasing questions
and poetry verses jotted down thoughts,
i really got to thinking about his question.
he didn't really mean it
to be a deep ponderous thought,
but it was to me.
and maybe, it answered itself

i am a tree falling into a forest
trying to make a sound
and wildly thrasing around
and trying to make some sense
of what feels like a jungle to me.
i repeat and i beat my head on a wall
and then, like the lab chimps, i learn the monthly lesson
recieve my little token, and move on.

honey, baby, if you could still remember this scene
i'd like to add my summary to my hurried explanations
when you're asking me a question,
you think it's just an inquiry
but i'm paying more attention to the revelation about you
than what you're trying to find out about me

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undated poetry from my website

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 19:25:20 GMT

Angst section
i'm a few hundred feet above the street
wondering how the hell anyone could ever
have the balls to jump
yet be too gutless to face life.
and i'm watching the taxis and minivans
and wondering who they are,
those hurried people.
why does my life seem so huge?
things seem so complicated
till you step up a few hundred feet
and see thousands of photocopies of you
from above
those people all have families,
all smothered by their lives and responsibilities
we live in a world of tangled webs
yet somehow manage to slip through
with minimal damage
and i'm struggling over the strand of
self-importance
trying to find a way to leave my mark
pissing on trees like every other dog
has lost its glamour.
all i can do now is take comfort in
seeing them
knowing they are striving for the same thing
not every person can be a winner
but people keep pushing for the prize
don't lose hope
we're getting closer
not much longer now
almost home

---

Obsession section
"You love him don't you?"
My heart hit the floor
A moment ago I had been a sad little girl
And it made me smile with pain
Now another piece of my life has been dragged out onto the stainless steel
In the warm comfort of candles and carpet
It's easy to blur the edges
It's easy to smudge things when there's smoke in the air
But now there's no room for fudging
No room for stretching the truth
This is black or white, yes or no
And I want to lean towards black
"You're so goth"
But I know that deep down I am not
So I tell the truth for once in my fucking life
I say yes.

---

there's a warning label on everything now
even idiots can't claim to be uninformed
all dangers are boldly marked
i guess they forgot mine
i guess i need one after all
in spite of my total honesty and simplicity before
i guess you don't realize i'm an iceberg
maybe you haven't seen as much of my life as you should
it's not your fault
you were the shy one
but don't let that make you think that
"if nonaggressiveness can win her
then it must not be that hard"
don't you dare think that my mountain is small
just because i elevated you to the middle to start out
don't forget to look down into the places you've never been
the crevices you were allowed to surpass
i have a feeling you'll find your downfall there
if you think i am easy because i was willing
wake up
if you think i'm low-maintenance because i did the work
wake up
and if you think i'll forgive you because i've given to you
fuck off

---

this is weird
don't want to go?
can't stand the thought of separation?
definitely, definitely strange
this feeling in my stomach is alien
how did this happen?
was it when he playfully smacked me
or when he gently teased me
or innocently snuggled up to me
or pulled me close with ulterior motives?
i think about him
i watch him
i hate him i love him i want him i need him
i have him
he saved me
i hate him
i'm suckered in

---

Trying to keep my heart from skipping
Each time I see your face
Trying to keep my mind from fantasizing
Each time I hear your name
Trying to forget I ever cared
About what you thought of me
Trying to forget I ever longed
For your arms around my body
Trying to find something else to do
Than create conversations with you
Trying to find another emotion
Than the one I have for you
What an effort
What a strain
Such energy wasted
Nothing to gain

---

You see the beautiful 16 year olds
on TV
walk into a room as though the floor
were made of jello
and they with bare feet.
Smiling, giggling, bouncing, twirling
Perfect teeth, perfect hair, rosy cheeks
The comment is always made
"Someone's in love!"
Oh the lovely imagination of script writers
I'm more of a believer in
falling in love
Slipping uncontrollably
Hurt when you land
Something to be avoided
unless planned and then only to entertain another
Perhaps I haven't found that mutual love
that TV fills its broadcasts with
Perhaps returned feelings are required
for the jello walking experience.
Or perhaps
it doesn't exist
at all.

---

I don't have anything to tell you
(Nothing you want to hear)
But I've been thinking about you a lot lately
(More than I should)
And I know you're happy
(Sorry to intrude)
But this time my heart
Well it's tripped over you
So if you don't mind to just give me some time
To pick myself up and dust off my clothes
And maybe just look in your eyes for a moment,
I'll hurry away
Not fulfilled
But knowing I've gotten as much as I can
And for the moment,
I'll be happy.

---

Obsession remains
You know I still love you
But I've finally decided enough is enough
Wasted tears
It doesn't help anymore
My heart still leaps
But it's been domesticated now
Wasted emotions
Better things to do
Than worry about you
You know I still love you
But I can't have what I want
Slowly dig up the roots that my heart has grown in your rich soil
Now cradle my thirsting plant in my own arms
The only ones to depend on
The only ones who care
Will survive
Have before
Want your love
But need sanity more.

---

And what do I do now?
I'm a very boring person
Now that I've realized that I can't have you
With whom am I left to obsess?

All day I can talk about the same damn things
Yet I come away feeling complex
And now that I know I can't have you
Tell me now, what do I have left?

Nothing damn you
Nothing fuck
Nothing I love you
Nothing at all

And I feel like things just pour out of my soul
It's really just drool running down my chin
I used to hope you could wipe and dab me clean
How could I forget who I am?

If I don't have you to consume me
What's gonna fill this hole?
And why did I have to need you
When I knew I am steel and you are gold?

Who am I now? damn you
Who am I now? fuck
Who am I now? I need you
Who am I now that you're gone?

I didn't want to need you
Why did I have to fall?
Why don't I ever remember the last time?
I didn't want you at all.

---

Name
He doesn't even know my name.
Every day with him I ride
Hoping he won't see my inner flaws
The ugliness I have to hide.

He calls me Michelle.
Honestly thinks that's my name.
Laugh it off Brandie
Pretend it's a game.

And that's what life is
Can't tell me it's not
A game we all lose
We live then we rot.

Look at him adoringly
Dream of things he should say
And even though I shouldn't
I wish my life away.

Wishing, hoping, dreaming
Of the day he looks at me
And says, blushing so sweetly,
"What do ya think about gettin' with me?"

But who am I fooling?
Only me, myself, and I
If I think that for just one moment
I could ever get this guy.

Cuz I'm a lowly freshman
And he's got himself a girl
And he sees nothing in me
Doesn't take time to look inside and see the pearl.

So I dream about him
Am consumed by his flame
I really should stop dreaming
He doesn't even know my name.

---

Content section
there is beauty in everything
i gaze out this window
at the cursed world
but i can't help but be astonished
how can such perfection exist
when nothing even pushes it?
man struggles
toils
through the ages
to recreate the beautiful simplicity
of a cloud
and falls short each time
there is beauty in a breath
a gasp for air
that simply lingers along the
lines of life
each puff creating a mist
that reaches for and grabs the sky
floating high above it all
swirling above the pain and conflict
above it all
the beauty pulls us away.

---

So small
Tiny and insignificant
All around me lives are spinning
Oblivious
Slow realization I'm the center of nothing
Nothing except myself
But myself is everything
All I've ever known, ever felt, ever been
Is myself
This tiny compact speck of power
We are all equally dim
It's bright outside and our batteries are low
But put me in a dark room
When I'm alone
I'm everything
I can change darkness to light
I can make a difference in me
The world is spinning around me
But I am still
I am anchored
Ready to face the storm.

---

I'm finally falling asleep
After these restless years of wandering
Guilt and unease
I can finally lay my head on my pillow and dream
I'm so excited at the prospect of being free to dream
Without persecution or judgment
To sleep without interference
Of commitments and "supposed to's"
After all these years of remaining on foot
The burden has finally been removed
and now nothing but blissful rest
Recovery will take much less time than the insomnia lasted
For it is natural and the sleeplessness induced
Ahh sweet sweet dreams

---

yearbooks
i'm almost done, so i've taken the time to look
back at where i've come from.
amazed that i somehow made it out alive
from some places,
sorrowful that i fled so soon from others
my how we've all grown
each picture
each face
brings a smile.
i didn't know then what i know now.
so many botched attempts due to ignorance,
yet some trials amaze me in their results.
was i really capable of such things
way back then?
torn between the perspective of now
and the perspective of then:
wisdom vs. oblivion
it's been a long strange trip
the change amazes me,
the maturing amazes me,
what will i say about now?
it's a sobering thing to look back.
my how i've grown up.

---

I grew up thinking that I was fairly pretty
Not a knock out of course, but you know
More than enough to get by
Then one day, I was trying on clothes in a department store
You know, the kind where the dressing rooms
Have 2 mirrors so you can see front and back.
I just so happened to catch a view from the side
And I almost cried.
My nose was horrid!
I had never seen anything so terrible in my life.
Mom, you always wondered why I took so long
To try on just one pair of jeans
Man, I had to check out my nose!
I hated for people to look at me from the side
I avoided profile drawers like a guilty party darts from news cameras
I couldn't believe how horrible I was
And then one day I decided I wasn't so bad
I concentrated on my eyes instead of my schnozz
They were pretty
And I flaunted what I had.
And ya know....my nose hasn't changed a bit
But I've even been told that I'm beautiful.
My nose hasn't changed a bit
But it's a part of me
And when you love you, people start like having you around too.

---

Sometimes things are just going right
As much as I complain about life
Good things do happen
Some call it luck
"Planets aligned."
But whatever it is
It feels good
You're soaring
Unstoppable
Elation
So happy and free
Sometime there are really bad days
But every now and then
As if to boost us and keep us going
There is a truly perfect day
It's not the luck of the draw
Thank you, Lord.<->

Slowly
Gently
Pull the brush through tangle-free hair
Bristles massage scalp
Muscles in back gladly relax
Always rushing
Always going
But tonight she is calm
Warm
Happy
With a full belly
Right now she's not worried
About anything
Because things are good right now
Very good
That's all that matters
Pull the brush through tanglefree hair
Gently
Slowly

---

Laying on your back
Nibbling on your nail
Taste of salt
Don't know if it's from sweat or water
And it doesn't matter
Here on this island
Hot and sticky
And you decide green is definitely the color for mellow
You're sitting in the lobby
Watching the palm trees
And ferns
Blowing
Yes, green is the mellow color
But it doesn't matter
No decisions need to be made
Cuz you're in the middle of the ocean
Feeling like you could just float away
Try to catch the fish
And look again
The water is green too
The water that makes you float
The water that has salt
Circles are mellow too

---

Pausing the music
I rise
Turn out the light and remove my glasses
In the unfamiliar room
Never slept here before
I replace my glasses to focus the barely there slivers of light
That have somehow squeezed their way
Around the thick plastic blinds
I push the blinds aside and decide I do like it here
Watching the moon I know I'll be coming back again
So many interesting things to see at night
My prime
And I wonder
What will the girl be named who will be my successor to this observing throne?
Will she be like me?
What will run through her mind, 15 years from now?
Will she appreciate it?
Will there be anything left to appreciate?
As I replace my headphones, turn on the CD player and remove my glasses
I note how much louder things are in the dark.

---

Random section
Living in a nation of exaggerated tales and sideways glances
Never up front about our true emotions
Always trying to impress
Always trying to make them guess
Exactly what's going on in her brain
Things we'd love to stare at
Can only bee seen from the corners of our eyes
All of the truths are based on someone else's lies

---

We need confirmation that we'll never find perfection
Innocence shattered and then we begin to truly "live"
Life is produced by the quest to regain the idealism
Striving to surround ourselves with as many tiny pieces of perfection as possible
Hoping one day they may form a wall strong enough to withstand life's daily blows
A scattered collage which makes no sense to anyone else but the creator
But we cling to it because it's all we have
We hope the tiny reminders of joy will somehow help us through the rough days
Forgetting the bitterness which consumes when the days we plan for become a reality
Somehow
Despite it all
We hope.

---

Blind Spot
My favorite pictures
seem to be the ones
where no one is looking
at the camera.

The ones
that truly are
a slice of life.

Unsuspecting victims
have their souls pulled
into the lens
And now I get to
enjoy the ownership.

Things will never be
the same
but i can feel that
picture-
proof that those
seemingly imagined
occurences happened-
and I'm fine.

---

Wow I'm a big girl now
Look where I've got hair
Wow I'm a big girl now
My bathing suit never stuck out there before
Wow I'm a big girl now
I can give myself an orgasm
Wow I'm a big girl now
I can find velocity, do algebra, recite the PreAmble, and even tell you what onomatopoeia means
Wow I'm a big girl now
But you know what?
My shoes are the same size now as they were 10 years ago.
My hair is still brown.
I still can't figure out what color my eyes are.
I am still controlled by everything around me
No matter how much I deny it.
I used to be afraid to let my fingers hang down beside the bed.
The men underneath my mattress would've pulled them in and done something to my hands,
Something bad.
Hurt me.
Now my fingers don't even get a chance.
Wow, I'm a big girl now.

---

You know how you cry when you're walking in the wind
And you're not really sad but you're not really happy
And really you're just walking without feeling anything?
Well, that's why I cry
Cuz I'm not really sad but I'm not really happy
And not being happy makes me sad.
If not being me happy doesn't make me sad
And I'm feeling no emotion
Well, I cry then because feeling no emotion
Is really lonely.

---

Bob Evans
So I'm sitting here
Spinning my chair at the counter
Staring at the clock and wondering
If brainpower can really do all they say it can
And I'm feeling kinda dumb
Cuz I just know everyone is saying
What's the deal with that kid?
Mooching Cokes and crayons
And taking up space
But I'm telling myself to get used to it
Cuz I'm here till closing
And thinking too much and worrying too much
Only kills you

---

Eyes dart around room
Seeking approval
Acceptance
The cool kids
Aren't scared
Not on the outside
Fear is so uncool

They'll do anything
For approval
Face the scariest trials
Do the strangest thing
They're not afraid
Fear is so uncool

Talk themselves up
Have done things
That they really haven't
Because they're brave
Brave enough to do anything
For acceptance
Bravery isn't fear
Fear is so uncool

But the truth is
Coolness is simply
Fear of rejection.

---

The music we sing in chorus class
So beautiful
Angelic
Perfect harmony
No need for piano
Our voices the only instruments
Ever needed
Floating
Exhilarating.

Why?
If I enjoy it so much
Do I come home and put this on?

People say
How can you think this music
Is beautiful?
It isn't.
That I'll admit.
Why do I like it then?
Because it isn't
Beautiful.

This generation
My generation
Has been told all of our lives
To smile
Suck it in
Pretend everything's beautiful.
But it's not.
There is anger.
It's not beautiful.

My generation isn't sure how to speak
We speak through music.
The music speaks for us
This music
Let's us get rid of that anger
Harsh beats
Harsh words
Angst-filled screams

Things aren't beautiful
The whole world doesn't really
Rotate around love
And the happy things everyone else sings about
Of course the music isn't
Beautiful
The stuff they sing about
Isn't either
But it's real
So I guess
Reality isn't beautiful
Either

---

I'm a very angry person when I think
Sad and angry
The slightest thing sets me off
There's too much to think about
Too many things are out there to make me crazy and upset
Drive me nuts
When I think of all the things wrong with my life
And other people's lives
And what this whole world is anymore
It just confuses me and angers me and saddens me
I don't like being confused
I'm a person who needs to understand
I love math because I understand
I have mastered it
When I don't understand something
It's beaten me
I feel defenseless
So I get defensive
Everything sets me off
It comes out as anger
I'm a very angry person when I think

---

People say
"Forgive and forget!"
But that means a lesson goes unlearned
Because if you truly forget
You can't learn from that mistake...
And run into the same brick wall

---

There's nothing to write about
Boredom isn't really a terrible thing
It means you've accomplished everything required of you
You have time for yourself
You can be bored and have things to do
But then those things give you something to work on
And you're not quite as bored.
Unless it's math homework

---

Living in a state of indecision
Of confusion
Not knowing where I'm going
Not caring
Not deciding
Could've taken a hold of my life
Gotten control and dominance
But I let it slide
I wasn't sure
Didn't want to make the wrong decision
So I let the decision be made by default
Let time expire
How relaxing.

---

I saw the fat woman at Frishes.
So large she couldn't even cross her legs
She had a beautiful face and I suppose her rail thin husband had seen that too.
Most guys wouldn't.
As she waggled by I wondered why?
And thanked God I wasn't like that
Yet.

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